


Walls of Glass

by Cheekybeak



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-23 15:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 44,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4882690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheekybeak/pseuds/Cheekybeak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elrohir and Legolas are driven apart by a tragedy that shatters everything that lies between them. In the aftermath can they manage to find a way back to each other or will they be forever broken?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All Tolkiens, not mine.

Elrohir.

 

He walked through the streets with his brothers. Men jostled him, the streets were packed and buzzing with the hum of many voices. Excitement was in the air. The city was in the mood to celebrate. People had travelled from far and wide, as had he and his brother, come from Imladris to be here for the occasion. 

He should feel happy, joyous even. His brothers both were. He watched them as they walked, animated and smiling with each other but he did not join them. This evening Legolas would come, in fact he had expected to see him here when they arrived and the impulse to leave at once for Ithilien when he discovered they had made it to Minus Tirith before him had been a strong one but he had resisted it, though now thinking on it he knew not why.

Nor did he know why he was so melancholy, what was it that dragged at his spirit and prevented him from being uplifted by the happiness within the city walls. A feeling of wrongness surrounded him and yet nothing was wrong.....everything was right, but he could not shake it and could not ignore it. His senses screamed at him that all was not well but as hard as he tried he could not understand their message.

"Elrohir!" His brother laughed at him, "What is wrong with you, you are miles away"

He looked up with surprise, they had been speaking to him and he had not even heard them. How could that be?  
He saw behind them through the jostling crowds a solider running towards them. His face tense and anxious.

"My Lord!" He cried, and Aragorn swung around for it could only be him who was needed. He pushed his way through the crowds who parted for their king and went to speak to the young man. For several long minutes their heads bent together, faces stern, radiating tension. Elrohir could feel it even feet away from them as he was.

He watched Aragorn as he dismissed the man and returned to them slowly. He searched his face and saw nothing there he liked. The lightness and laughter had vanished replaced by lines of worry and fatigue.

"Something is wrong" he said to Elladan beside him. "See how he looks? Something is wrong."

Elladan dismissed him, "It will be some plan for the celebration that has gone astray. He is tired from all this preparation, you know he is."

But he was not convinced by his brother's reassurance and when Aragorn stood before him face drawn and eyes filled with compassion and concern he shivered. He shut his eyes. He did not want to see the stress on his brothers face. This could not be good.

He felt a hand fall to rest on his shoulder. The sounds of the crowds faded from his ears, became subtle whispers on the edges of his consciousness.

"Elrohir..." He refused to look, he refused to hear this. The warning screamed in his ears, every fibre of his being shouted the wrongness to his very core.

He opened his eyes and met his little brothers stare.

"A boy has arrived at the city, he was travelling on the road to Ithilien, he and his father. He says they have stumbled across an attack....." Aragorns voice shook at the words but he took a breath and continued, "an attack on two elves, one of them is dead, the other........he could not say."

"Legolas." It was all Elrohir could say. The name echoed in his mind.....Legolas, his beloved. And he knew, he knew that the warning had been a real one.

Elladan gripped his arm.  
"You do not know that! You jump to conclusions Brother."

"I know it. I have known it all day and I have ignored it."

He could not be dead, he told himself. He could not, for surely he would know it. He would know it in his heart if that were true.

"I have sent for horses and men. We will ride out, the boy will lead us there. You will come?"

"Of course I will come."  
He wondered why his brother felt he had to ask him that. Was it not self evident? A numbness descended upon him and he felt Elladan at his side steering him through the crowds towards the gate and the road. What was waiting for him at the end of that road he wondered ? Was it his doom? For without Legolas, what was he?

The ride was fast and hard and his thoughts were in turmoil. He should have gone to Ithilien when he arrived as he had desired. This would not have happened had he been there. He saw the man, the boy's father, waiting for them some way in the distance and spurred his horse on faster leaving his brothers in his wake. Catapulting off it he ran with speed he did not know he had, sparing not a word for the old man stopping only at the first body lying face down on the ground. 

He dropped to his knees beside it and held his breath, his heart pounding in his chest so hard he thought it would split him open. Slowly, gingerly he turned it over and gagged in horror for the sight that met his eyes was a grotesque one. It had once been an elf but who could tell. The face a beaten pulp, the throat cut from ear to ear, a puddle of blood spreading out towards him. He gasped, his eyes did not believe what he saw, who would do this?

But it was not him!  
It was not him, and he could breathe again. 

He turned his head towards the other figure where his brothers, with the old man, now knelt and stumbled to his feet where he stood uncertainly. Could he go there? Did he dare? 

Elladan raised his head to look at him and seeing him standing there leapt to his feet baring the way. He held his hand against his chest.

"Do not look Elrohir, You do not want to see this." 

And he did not. Every cell in his body was telling him this. Don't look, don't look and it will not be true. He struggled to breathe, his chest tight with panic. He had to know and yet he did not want to.

"Does he live?" He forced out the agonised words.

His brother's hands were on him, he pulled him close.

"Yes."

A simple word yet it filled him with a sudden desperate desire to move. He had to be there with him.

"Let me go. Let me go to him." Angrily he pushed his brother to one side but Elladan was fast and held him back even as he struggled.

"No! Elrohir, believe me, do not -"

But he would have none of it. No one would keep him away, and he won his way free and was there, at his side. Gently he stroked the golden hair, dirty and blood stained as it was and his eyes roamed over the lovely face, bruised and battered beyond recognition. A strangled cry of pain left his lips. He lay on his side, his Legolas, and he wondered at that until his hand touching his back came away soaked in blood. The horrific realisation came to him slowly as he gazed upon the back a mess of blood, broken bleeding flesh showing through the ripped and soiled shirt.

"He has been flogged.... whipped!" 

He felt the tears stream down his face. It was unbelievable to him this could have happened. He bent his head close so his tears fell, landing on the face he loved and trickling down, down over the bruises, the broken body. He looked up and his eyes met those of Aragorn, they were locked in a shared gaze of horror and pain. 

Elladan reached over and gently touched him. 

"Stand aside Elrohir, let us treat him."

He was overtaken by a surge of rage.

"Who has done this? Who would dare? I will kill them!" And he meant it. At that very moment he felt he could tear them apart with his bare hands. Angrily he stood, pushing past his brother to try and reach for clear air. His chest heaved in a anguished attempt to breathe. He could not stay there, he had to get away so he strode, through the bewildered men who surrounded him and away to the fields and solitude where he collapsed to ground, a keening cry escaped from his throat as the pain inside him tore him apart.

He did not know how long he stayed there, It felt like forever and yet no time at all, until Elladan came, quietness and calm and sat beside him. 

"We go now." he said. "There is no time to waste, he needs more than we can do here."

"I will carry him, he will ride with me!" He was adamant.

But Elladan would have none of it.  
"You know that can't be so. Estel will take him, he needs care you cannot give." 

He made to protest but it fell on deaf ears and he knew what his brother said was true.

"I know you wish him close to you Elrohir, I understand, but Estel loves him almost as much as you do. He is safe with him. We will ride ahead. Stay with the Men. See that....." He stumbled over the words, " See that Legolas's Silvan friend is well cared for. Legolas would not wish to leave him alone with them...after this...." He nodded towards the dead elf, Elrohir had almost forgotten of that horror.

If asked later he would not have been able to speak of the ride back as he remembered little of it. Somehow he reached the city. Somehow he arranged for the body to be cared for and somehow he found his way to where they had bought his lover but how he did those things he had no idea.

His sister and the Dwarf were there when he arrived, waiting in silence outside the room and when he saw her the numbness inside him broke and he sobbed out her name. 

"Arwen.......they have.......I cannot....." He could not form the words and sank down beside her.

"Hush," she pulled him into her arms. He leant against her and as she gently stroked his hair, filling him with love and peace.  
"It will be well, It will be well" she whispered and he believed her, because the thought if it was not was too horrible to bear.

How long it was until Aragorn appeared he did not know. He walked through the door looking pale and strained. 

Arwen rose at once and went to him, embracing him, leaving Elrohir feeling bereft and alone an aching emptiness at his side where before there had been her warmth and comfort. The familiar flash of resentment flew through his mind and he struggled to push it aside. He must not feel this now.

"Estel," she said quietly, "Can we see him?" 

"He sleeps, in fact he has not yet woken, we are not sure.....there may be damage." He gestured weakly toward the room. "Go in Elrohir, we have kept you apart from him too long." 

So he stood and without a word ventured in. Elladan looked up as he entered, his face grave and solemn but he ignored him. He did not wish to do anything except look upon Legolas. Softly, gently he reached out to touch the face of the one he loved, the one who was by some miracle still with him, 

And he wept.


	2. Chapter 2

.

 

Legolas.

At first all he knew was darkness.   
It surrounded and cocooned him, strangely comforting and he did not wish to leave. Beyond the dark, he knew, lay pain and fear, and though he did not know what it was he feared he also did not wish to face it. 

He thought he would stay there in the safe soft dark but slowly, slowly it was taken from him. First there came the voices quiet, murmuring in the far distance. But eventually they grew louder until he could hear their words though he could make no sense of them.

He heard his name. Someone was calling him. Someone he loved, but he could not remember who they could be. The voice was familiar and yet not and he frowned as he tried to reach for the identity from the depths of his mind.

Next came the pain. Bright, brilliant, sharp as a knife pain that cut him in two. He was on fire. He could not breathe. He tried to call to the nameless voices for help but they did not come. He grasped at the dark as it slipped away from him, desperate to stay within its comforting embrace but he could not hold it, the pain pulled at him relentlessly and drove it away. 

Now added to the voices there were moans, cries, someone else in as much pain as he. Would they not help them......help him? 

Finally after what seemed like hours in agony, every breath as an excruciating as the last he felt touch, soft hands brushed his face and he lifted his arms, trying to connect, to find someone in this nightmare he could cling to. The pain gripped him and he twisted and turned against it straining to get away but it would not release him. He felt himself raised up, held in someone's arms but the movement sent a excruciating flash across his back and he screamed.

Suddenly the voices became clear, Understanding returned.

"You are safe, you are safe, I have you, be still." And with a rush of love he realised he knew whose voice that was. 

"Elrohir," his voice when he spoke was a whisper. Slurred and hoarse. 

"He knows me!"   
He could feel his lover's joy and he reached again for him.

"Open your eyes Legolas," Another voice. Similar but not the same, not Elrohir, not his love. And he struggled to obey but his eyes were like lead, weighed down, still refusing to let go his hold on the dark.

A glass was raised to his lips and he realised he was thirsty, so thirsty. The voice told him to drink and he did eagerly but the liquid he swallowed was bitter and he coughed and choked trying to rid himself of the taste.

"Drink it Legolas, It will help." A third voice. This one different from the others, deeply resonant it brought with it visions of calm and peace, a deep bond of friendship. This voice he knew too. Aragorn. Truly he was safe if Aragorn was here, and the knowledge was all he needed to let go, he embraced the light, rejected the dark and slowly opened his eyes.

The first thing he saw through the fog were grey eyes, a beautiful face, familiar and yet not....not quite right.

"Elrohir?" He asked cautiously, unsure of what he saw.

"I am Elladan,"   
Of course it was Elladan, how did he not know that? 

" Where is Elrohir?" For that was all he wished for, all he wanted, needed, with a desperation that scared him. 

"I need Elrohir."

"I am here beloved, I am here."   
The voice sounded softly in his ear and he tipped his head back ignoring the pain which receded into the distance when he saw his face, and rested his head back on his shoulder. For Elrohir it was who held him. Who else.  
He felt his presence wash over him, filling him with love and he sighed with relief.

He had no energy to reply but he let his eyes wander around the room, lighting on Aragorn's face beside him, lined and worn. He frowned at that,

"What is wrong?" He asked him and Aragorn smiled and stroked his face gently.

"Nothing is wrong. Everything is right," he said "Now you are back with us."

He could not think, his brain numb and slow. Where was he? It was familiar but he could not place it. As if he read his mind Aragorn supplied the information for him.

"You are in Minas Tirith."

That was a surprise. He did not remember coming here. He went to touch his friend and gazed at his arm confused, it was strapped and splinted.

"My arm is broken." He murmured in wonder. How had that happened? He began to panic, what was going on? He could not remember but obviously he was badly hurt. Why? Was this real?

He reached into the depths of his mind, searching for answers but found none. He came across a barrier, a wall, buried deep and behind it all was black and foreboding. He did not want to cross it he decided. He did not want to know what was hidden behind there. It chilled his heart and a wave of fear swept over him. 

He would not look he thought and he pulled away retreating back, back as fast as he could from the terror the walls contained. 

"Don't worry, all is well now" Elrohir murmured to him but he did not believe him for behind those walls he knew lay pain beyond belief.

He would never cross them.

He did not need to know. And he leaned back against his beloved's chest and drank up the feel of him, the comfort, for he yearned for it from the depths of his soul.

He did not need to know, because Elrohir was here. Elrohir would keep the demons from his mind.

Elrohir would protect him.


	3. Chapter 3

Elrohir.

His brother sighed in exasperation. He knew he was frustrating him.

"Elrohir, stop moping. If you want to stay here then stay. I would have thought you wished to help Estel track these men, to be there to see justice served."

"I do!"  
And he did, more than anything. Anger burned a hole through the heart of him and consumed him everytime he gazed upon Legolas's bruised and battered face. How dare they, how dare they.

"He was not awake, I have not explained to him I will be gone."

He struggled to articulate the cause of his anxiety. The words eluded him, slipped off the edge of his tongue and so Elladan misunderstood him again.

"Arwen and Gimli will be here. Do you not trust them?" Elladan placed his hands on his shoulders in an attempt to reassure.

"I know you worry about this loss of memory. It will return, give him time.....And if it does not...do you truly wish him to remember what was done to him? Take the blessings you have been given. He heals quickly, he is not himself I know but considering....... He does well, it could be so much worse, you know it could."

And he did. The nightmare he had feared had so far been avoided but it hovered over him taunting him with its possibility.

"It is not the memory loss" he tried again to put a voice to his fears, " but that..... Elladan, he does not ask. He accepts he is here, that he is injured. He is passive, he has never asked what has happened, why he is how he is. Can't you see..... it is not right. He does not WANT to know."

Elladan sighed and Elrohir thought to himself that still he did not understand.

"I know that is odd, but honestly Brother, what is it you want? Have you forgotten our mother? Better he never remembers than that!"and he flung his hands in the air and made to walk away.

He reached out and grabbed Elladan's arm, keeping him close, preventing him from departing for he could not leave that lying between them unanswered. 

"Of course I have not forgotten. I will never forget." He hissed, his voice tense with the pain of it. "It is that which I fear most of all, and you know it."

A look of guilt flashed across his brothers face and his shoulders slumped. 

" Forgive me. I know it is, but you push so hard Elrohir, can you not just leave it be?"

" No I cannot. He hides from truth but he cannot hide forever. The least I can do is to try and control the knowing of it because the truth WILL find him .........and what then Elladan? What then?"

The day was long and the ride hard, but that was not the hardest. It was arriving at the place Legolas had been found. Memories he did not want to revisit assaulted him, of the pure fear he had felt that day. Despite thorough searches they found little of use. He watched his younger brother grow more despondent as the day wore on and he understood why, for he alone carried the burden of guilt that his people were at the centre of this atrocity. Elrohir knew that Aragorn burned for vengence as much as he.

The sight of the city when they returned was a relief to him for he had felt guilty leaving Legolas all day. He was back and could return to his place by his side although he felt he had achieved little in his absence. It had all been a waste of their time.

As they entered the Kings residence they were met by the dwarf, Gimli, fierce and wild eyed. It was to Elrohir he looked.

"You must go to the elf." A thrill of anxiety ran through him.

"What is wrong?" It was Elladan who spoke for him as he often did.  
"He was well this morning, we have been gone only a day."

"He is ...........distressed."   
He cursed himself for his inattention, he should not have left.

"I have never seen him like this...." He heard Gimli continue to his brothers but he was off, not waiting to hear more, running through the corridors like a man possessed. He did not pause when he reached the room but crashed through the door, his anxiety at a peak.

What he saw was the worst of his imaginings come to life. Legolas stood, unsteadily, before him. Simply seeing him on his feet was a shock for he had not thought that possible and he was filled with horror watching Legolas sway dangerously as if his legs threatened to fold beneath him at the slightest breeze. Slowly his eyes took in the damaged elf before him.

His face was white, beyond pale, a fresh graze ran along one side of his face, how had that happened? Tears ran in silver tracks down his cheeks, his breathing ragged and harsh, his hands shaking beyond control and his eyes......his eyes were dark pools of grief.

He did not stop to think, a burning desire to comfort overtook him and he strode over to enfold his lover in his arms, pouring his love over the broken and bleeding soul before him. If he could heal him with love alone he would try.

But his love was not returned. Legolas did not sink into his embrace, he did not lean towards him, relax in his arms as he had done before. There were no words of love, no acknowledgement of his presence. Instead the body he held was rigid and tense. Fear and trepidation radiated from it. The hands remained down and he made no movement towards Elrohir at all. He could feel Legolas's heart fluttering against his own chest as it rested next to him, so fast it was beating. And he could not ignore it, Legolas was frightened......terrified.....of him.

He let him go and stared into the eyes filled with pain. 

"Oh Legolas," he reached out to touch his face, to give some small piece of comfort if he could and watched Legolas flinch away pulling his face from his touch.

"Don't!" He hissed, angry as a snake and Elrohir was bereft.

As he stood in stunned silence Legolas began to speak, the depths of his misery flowing out of him his voice low and cold, chilling to the ears.

"They tied him and beat him."he said, "They cut his throat and I watched him die. They did it to hurt me. It was my fault, my fault and I could not stop it. I cannot unsee it Elrohir....I cannot! He is haunting my mind. Where were you? Where have you been? I feared you dead......I feared..."

He heard in the background Gimli speaking to his brothers.  
"His memories returned, he has been re-living them all day, fearing they would happen to you. We could not calm him."

Oh how he had failed him. He should have stayed, he had known it. If he could have taken back the day, he would. But it was far too late for that.

"Legolas," his voice cracked with the pain welling up inside him.   
"Legolas, we are safe......let me help you," and he tried once again to move toward him, to hold him.

But Legolas would not have it. He backed away stumbling in his haste, pressing against the wall in his desperate need to escape, His arms outstretched to ward him off, his eyes wide.

"Stay away!" He cried, "Stay away from me."

Arwen spoke softly, far away she sounded in his numb, grief-striken state.

"He is damaged Estel.....more than we knew."

Her words echoed in his mind, around and around........he is damaged, he is damaged.  
A terrible vision rose to the surface, one he tried not to think of, one he kept locked away deep out of sight. His Mother in the healing rooms screaming at them to leave her, cringing from their touch, curled in a ball as far away from them as she could get. The rejection cut him to the quick. 

He knew his sister thought of it also.

The words he had spoken to Elladan that morning returned to haunt him. How he wished he had not been speaking so true, for the truth had caught up with Legolas, he could hide from it no longer and Elrohir had not been there to help him.

He had failed him.  
"Where were you?" Legolas had asked, "Where were you?" 

He should have gone to Ithilien and this would not have happened, He should not have left him here alone and he would not be standing broken before him now.

Where had he been? 

 

.........................................................................................

 

Legolas.

 

He was dreaming and the dream was a terrifying one. He could not move, he was tied...chained...he wasn't sure which one. A hard blow ricocheted across his face jerking his head to the side. A man's face appeared in front of him, jeering, cruel laughter, and another blow followed. 

He woke suddenly gasping with fright. He was in his rooms, he was free to move, chained no longer and Gimli was beside him. 

"Ah, Lad you are awake finally. I was getting bored here on my own, waiting for you to entertain me."

Despite himself he smiled. Gimli could always raise his spirits, lighten his load. But horror of the dream lingered. The walls buried deep in his mind were crumbling and as much as he tried to turn his thoughts from them he could not ignore it. Dark tendrils of fear spilled over them spreading across his thoughts, leaving him shaking and distracted. They were always there now.

"Where is Elrohir?" He asked, and it was not because he didn't wish for Gimli's company, he was grateful for it, but Elrohir alone could vanquish the darkness. The light of his love sending the tendrils running, scurrying back behind the walls and sweeping his mind clear of dread.

"He is gone for the day Legolas, I am afraid you will have to make do with me. He rides out with Aragorn, they search for the men who did this to you. They will make them pay." 

The last was said bitterly but Legolas did not hear it. Elrohir was gone? The thought chilled him.

"He is gone riding?"   
He needed to understand, Elrohir would not have left him. The walls in his mind bent under the strain, the blackness began to spread.

"Riding to seek vengeance for you."

Vengeance. Vengeance for what? He wondered, then Gimli's initial words sprung to clarity in his mind, "they search for the men who did this to you." and the dream was upon him again. The face of the man, sneering with distaste, the blows to his face, and he understood, he understood.

The walls collapsed.

 

A rush of images crowded his mind. Intense, dreadful, terrifying pain. He was beaten, he was tortured, whipped with chains by cruel sadistic men. Men everywhere he looked, he could not escape. He raised his hands to his head to try and block out the sights and cried out.

"Stop, stop!"

And then the worst came. Erynion, his friend, pale and terrified, pleading, chained, unable to move. The blade silver and deadly flashed across his neck as he called his name, "Legolas!" and the blood, so much blood.

He screamed.

 Arwen was there then, stroking his face, spreading her aura of calm around him.

"You are safe Legolas, they are not here." 

But her touch burned him, it hurt, and he tried to withdraw, shuffling up the bed and away from the contact. He wrapped his arms around his knees in defense.

"Don't touch me!"

The look of pain on her face made him wish to weep but he could not take it back. He could not bear her touch. 

"Where is Elrohir?!"  he cried, forgetting in his panic he already knew he would not come.

"Where is Elrohir? I need him!"  
Elrohir would make this better. Elrohir would hold him, defeat the horror that surrounded him.

"He is with Estel," Arwen said sadly "they will be back soon, Legolas, he will be here soon."

It was then that the terror truly took hold. They had gone to those men, his friend and his lover. The images dancing in front of his eyes began to change. It was not Erynion in front of him, his head askew, his lifeblood spilling on to the ground but Elrohir. It was not himself bound and helpless while flesh was torn from his body with chains, it was Aragorn.

"No!"

Panicked he hurtled himself off the bed, desperate to reach them...to keep them safe, bring them back for without them he would be lost. But his weakened legs betrayed him and he staggered crazily across the room falling face first into the wall and sunk sobbing to the floor. 

"No. No, No,"

Arwen was there again, by his side.

"They are well armed, they go with men Legolas, no harm will befall them."   
But he could not listen, he could not control his ragged sobs, could not stop from seeing the tortuous images before him.

"You forget Lad, Aragorn is king, they would not let him take himself off into danger," it was Gimli, solid, strong, faithful, but not enough.  
"There is nothing to worry about" Gimli continued, "Aragorn and Elrohir are seasoned warriors after all"

"But so am I," he gasped, " So am I."

 

He had no idea how long he waited there, on the floor refusing to move. Arwen stayed with him close but not too close, she had learnt her lesson and did not touch him. When he heard the thudding footsteps in the corridor outside he pulled himself to his feet unsteadily, anxious as to what it could mean.

The sight of Elrohir in the doorway filled him rush a rush of relief so powerful it almost knocked him off his feet. Before he knew it Elrohir was there, embracing him, he had no time to run. It was what he had wanted since he first awoke but now that he was there, in his arms, it was wrong, so very wrong. His skin crawled at the touch, his body tense with apprehension told him, 'flee, you must flee,' and when Elrohir finally released him the look of pain on his face was the mirror of Arwen's as he flinched away from the hands reaching out with love, but again he could not stop it.

He tried to speak, to explain the horrors he had seen, the images that filled his mind.  
"Where were you?" he asked although he knew that was unfair. This was not Elrohir's fault, none of it was.  
   
Still Elrohir tried again to approach him but this time he backed away.  
"Stay away from me" he pleaded not wanting to feel the wrongness resonate through their closeness again. Flames of pain licked over his back as he pressed against the stone in his attempts to get away, but the dread of touch was greater and so he pressed on, wishing the stone wall could swallow him whole.

The devastation on Elrohir's face broke his heart for he did need him, he yearned for him with all of his soul.

But the fear overcame all,  
And within it he was alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Elrohir.

 

In sleep Legolas looked peaceful and he could imagine for a time that all was as it used to be, that he would awaken, smile his sweet smile and take him in his arms. In truth before Aragorn had forced the sedative on him he had been frightened and desperate, begging to be left alone. 

In the end it had been Gimli only, he allowed near enough to touch him and Aragorn's presence had caused him to become a screaming and terrified mess. Aragorn's face when that happened had been wretched and briefly Elrohir had felt glad. He was ashamed of that now, that he could take pleasure in Legolas's pain for any reason, was wrong.

He took advantage of the deep unnatural sleep to gain the closeness he craved. Gently he stroked the face he adored, fingers tracing over the new injury Arwen had said was caused by panic. He bent his head close planting his lips softly on his forehead.

"Beloved" he whispered "Beloved, I am here. I will not leave this time. I promise. I am sorry, I am sorry."

His voice broke with a sob.

He felt a hand soft and gentle fall on his hair, brush it out of his face and he turned. His sister of course, She always knew when he was hurting. 

"It will not be the same Elrohir."

He knew what she was meaning, he needed no explanation.

"Will it not? It feels the same to me." 

"He is not our mother. What was done to him is different, you know that as well as I. He is strong, he will return to you."

He looked at her closely as he seldom was able to. Drank in her loveliness, her beauty, but then his eyes slid away. He could not bear to look, to see what would one day be lost to him, for he loved her deeply, his little sister, and could not imagine her gone.

"He has the sea-longing is that not enough?"   
He spat the word out with bitterness as if it was his deepest enemy and truly that was how it felt, a cruel joke played on them by fate, or the Valar, he knew not who. He knew who was to blame though, that much was clear. His brother, who he still loved, had doubly betrayed him. 

A familiar flash of anger and resentment rose up choking him in its vitriol but he swallowed it down, he could not let Arwen see that. But she saw through him anyway, she always could. Her hand found his arm.

"Do not blame Estel, Elrohir, it will bring you no peace. Legolas makes his own choices." 

"So he tells me."

 But the anger was still there as it had always been.

They sat in silence for a time, he was wrapped deep in his thoughts. When at last he spoke it was with a sense of hopelessness.

" What will I do....if he chooses to leave?" 

Arwen took his hand.

"He will not leave you."

"You do not know that," he cried, "and if he does what will I do?"

"You will go with him."she smiled at him as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, " You will go with him because he is what you need."

"No! I will not leave you, not before..." He could not finish.

"You will Elrohir, if he were to sail, you will not stay here without him. I, more than anyone understand that."

And he knew that was true for she was leaving them all.......for him, her love, Estel. He no longer called him that, for Estel it was who stole his sister from him. Aragorn of the Dunedain, leader of Men he could love. Estel was the child he had cherished, who had thrown his love back in his face.

But he would not speak of that now, they had had that conversation many times before.

Instead he spoke of his other brother, his twin.

"I cannot leave Elladan."   
He was panicked at the thought. 

She smiled,  
"Elladan would follow you eventually, it would not be long, you know that Elrohir." 

But he knew nothing of the sort. He had to stay close to him for what if he chose to stay, to follow her and their brother. It would break him.

"He will not be parted from you, he wishes to see our mother......and there is Glorfindel..."

He laughed at that,  
"Glorfindel cannot stay away from here, he has returned from the dead once already. Who knows if he will ever leave!" 

She smiled with him then and the tension between them dissipated. She put an arm around him.

" Oh my Brother, you are hurting. Will you not let go of this bitterness and resentment? It does not help you."

"I cannot, I cannot do it." He had tried, how he had tried.

"Estel is hurting too." She told him, and he knew that to be true, yet he did not want to think of that, Aragorn's friendship with Legolas. Was nothing of his sacred? Did he have to take it all?

And so he sat and clasped his lover's hand, While his sister sat next to him, his support.

And his soul was a deep well of pain.


	5. Chapter 5

Elrohir.

 

Legolas was a ball of tension beside him. Every muscle clenched and every nerve clamouring for him to run. He watched him closely and could not help but marvel at his strength of will, the determination that kept him there when all he wished to do was flee from them all.

They sat in the dining hall a cacophony of noise and the smells of men. Why Legolas had insisted on being there he did not know and he had argued at length that he should not come but to no avail. Instinctively he reached out to place a hand on his back. A sign of his support, to steady him, but caught himself just in time. His touch would only make things worse. Legolas allowed none of them to touch him.

He was not the only one who noticed his distress, Aragorn had also. And so he should Elrohir thought bitterly.

"Legolas, you do not have to remain here. No one expects it of you."

"I am well, Aragorn." Legolas's reply was cold. 

"You are obviously not well. You do not have to do this. We understand."

"You understand nothing. Why is it everyone thinks they know better than I what I need today?" 

That, he knew, was directed at him but he was quite happy to let Aragorn be on the recieving end of Legolas's sharp tongue for now. It was not as if he himself had not had more than his fair share of it. Cruel, cutting words that lacerated his soul. 

Arwen had been right. It was not the same, but sometimes he wondered if it was, infact, worse. Legolas's acute distress had not lasted but what was left, this cold isolation which cut through his love like a knife caused him even more pain though he had not believed that possible.

Legolas was a raging disaster trapped, it seemed, within walls of glass. He could see him but not touch him, hear him but not offer comfort. Any comfort he did give was smashed into pieces. He could not reach through the glass towards him and Legolas could not break out, unless it was to hurt. Sharp flashes of anger the purpose of which were to cause as much pain as possible to those who loved him.

He watched Aragorn flinch at the words Legolas threw at him and despite himself his heart clenched. A rush of pity swelled in him for his brother for if things between he and Legolas were bad, between Legolas and Aragorn appeared to be irrepairable. 

At least Legolas tolerated his presence, even though their time together consisted of Elrohir dodging barbs of distrust. But Aragorn, he could not bear to be near and the words he showered upon him were hateful. Still Aragorn took them, but he paid a high price and he wore his sorrow upon his face, which was tired and weary. 

It had become so bad he had tried to intercede, to gain some understanding from  Legolas of the damage he caused, but his attempts had been met with a fierce angry resistance and he was ashamed to say he had given up. In the past he had been guilty of wishing to separate his younger brother from Legolas, often times he had imagined it but now it was upon him he found he could not easily stand and watch the destruction of a friendship that had once been so deep.

It was Arwen who acted to end Legolas's obvious distress. It had to be her, the only one he would accept any kindness from.

"Legolas, you do not eat. Let me send a tray to your room and you can eat there, it will be easier."

She reached across the table to him, her hand hovering just above his, a fraction of air between their skin. Even this not quite touch was enough to make Legolas inperceptably draw away.  He looked up and caught her eye. She smiled gently and as if her words had given him permission to admit he had reached his limits he nodded. 

"Yes."

He watched as Legolas departed, smoothly, coolly, with a brief and reluctant bow to Aragorn, all the while steadfastly avoiding to look him in the eyes.

Arwen then turned to him, placing her hand over his,

"Elrohir, come with me. We shall get some food for him, you can take it." 

For a moment he wanted to refuse. He no longer knew if he could stand more time with Legolas, more angry insults and sulky withdrawal. It stretched his limits and caused a bitter pain. But if Aragorn could relentlessly face the ruins of their friendship day after day and still return, still attempt to reach out, then he knew he too could continue. He would go, he could not stay away.

As they left Arwen reached for Aragorn, clasped his hand in hers, kissed the top of his head as she passed and for once he did not feel the usual rush of anger at the display of their love. His brother was distraught, and it tore at his heart. He was pleased she sought to ease that distress though he doubted she succeeded.

He did not knock when he reached Legolas's door. He had learnt from past experience he would only be turned away. Instead he entered unannounced giving him no chance to refuse him. Legolas stood with his back to him rigid and tense.

"Arwen has sent food." He hoped using her name might deflect some of the annoyance at his presence.

"I am not hungry." Was the cold reply.

He considered arguing that he must eat to heal, but that would only end in distress for them both so he chose not to. What was the point?

Legolas did not turn round and he stood uneasily uncertain what his next move should be. He longed to depart but his love pulled at him to stay, whatever was thrown at him in attempts to drive him away.

"I am tired, I go to bed."

Well he was not wanted then, that much was obvious. Still he was reluctant to go so soon and stood watching as Legolas pulled his shirt over his head, revealing his back to him. The scars of the attack were stark against the pale skin. A back laced with ugly red marks and partly healed wounds. 

He was shocked. He had not seen it since the day they first found him and had tried to forget what lay under the bandages and clothes. It was a brutal reminder of all that had occured. Of why they stood so far apart from each other now. The cause of those walls of glass behind which Legolas sheltered.

Before he knew what he was doing he drew near and touched it, running his hands gently across rough scar tissue. He felt Legolas gasp at his touch but for once he did not withdraw. Why had they done this? His heart ached with untold sorrow at the damage inflicted on the one he loved. Suddenly unbidden and unwanted a vision flashed before him. His mother's back had looked like this, before she sailed, for they had tortured her too. He snatched his hand back as if burnt and staggered away in horror at the memory he tried so hard to avoid.

Legolas spun round, his face white, his eyes wide.

"Do I repulse you?" He snapped.

"No!"   
Nothing could have been further from the truth and he hurried to make amends for his error.

"You are beautiful." He said, and he meant it. " Still beautiful..... I am sorry, it was a memory I didn't expect......my mother..."   
He never spoke to Legolas of her, only with Elladan and Arwen did he share that grief. For a moment a crack appeared in the glass and he saw on his lovers face a look of deepest compassion. Finally a glimpse behind the pain to the sweet, gentle soul he knew was still buried below. But then the shutters came down, the eyes slid away from his and the walls enclosed him again as he turned away.

Elrohir sighed and turned to go, he felt weighed down by loss, he had no energy to battle further that evening. He was stopped by a question, sudden and unexpected.

"Will you stay?"

He swung around. His astonishment clear on his face and  Legolas turned back to him.

"I cannot sleep, my dreams are........unpleasant. If you are here..... I am so tired Elrohir."

Hope surged within him for he had never dreamed of being asked that.

" Of course I will stay. Of course!"

 And for the first time in days he felt relief.

 

..........................................................................................

 

Legolas.

 

He stood, alone in his room and wept. The dining hall had been a torrid experiance. So many men surrounding him had made him fearful and anxious. He had gone to prove to himself that he could do it, that they would NOT win. They would not take it all from him. He was strong, he would survive.

But in the end he had lasted no time at all before he grabbed Arwen's excuse to leave with both hands and ran. He was kidding himself, thinking he could conquer it, this all consuming fear that crawled over him morning and night. His anger at himself and his weakness spilled out and affected all of those around him.

He felt numb inside, a block of ice and he could not connect with any of them. Hours he spent when he was alone weeping for all he had lost. His lover, his friends, and yet when they came he pushed them all away. 

Eventually Erohir arrived as he had known he would, with food he did not want, and he felt his uncertainty, the sadness cut him to his core, that they had come to this. Dancing round each other in fear to come too close. 

 He would rather he left so he was not constantly reminded of the gulf that was now between them and so he made it clear he did not want him, when in truth the reality was he craved his closeness with all his heart. 

When he removed his shirt and Elrohir touched him he gasped in surprise, it had been so long since any of them had come that close, he had forgotten what it felt like. Despite the tension that surged through him he did not run but stayed absolutly still, almost enjoying the feeling of those fingers stroking his scars with love. Almost but not quite, but he tolerated it. Then Elrohir jerked away in horror and another bleeding wound was opened in his soul. 

" Do I repulse you?" He asked for surely he did, he knew what it must look like. But instead Elrohir spoke of his mother, which he had never done before, despite his many attempts to get him to open up to him. When he saw Elrohir's pain written starkly on his face for a second he forgot all his own burdens. He wished to reach out to him, comfort him and he nearly managed it before the walls closed in and he was trapped in his misery again.

 He heard Elrohir sigh and start to leave which was what he had wanted but suddenly he could not bear it. Could not bear to be alone any longer. For the first time his desperation for closeness overrode his fear.

" Will you stay?" He asked. And the hope that shone on Elrohir's face almost changed his mind for he feared he would just hurt him yet again.

" Of course I will stay, Of course!"

Now he had started speaking, started asking for help, it all flowed out.

" I need you." he pleaded.

" You have me, always. I will do anything you need, anything you want."

The problem was he did not know what he wanted. Life was a confusing mess of pain. 

He sat and his tears started to flow. It had been days since he had wept in front of anyone. It was weakness and he had been determined he would not show it.

" I do not deserve you........ or Aragorn....." He could not continue.   
He felt Elrohir's hand on his shoulder and he shook it off. It was a reflex now, to reject all touch. 

" He understands."

" How can he understand," he cried, " When I do not myself? I do not wish to hurt him, but he....... he reminds me of them."

It torn him apart, the overwhelming anger he felt when he saw his friend. When they were apart he told himself Aragorn was not to blame, he was not the same as the men who attacked him. But despite his resolution to not let it overtake him, everytime Aragorn was near it all poured out vitriolic and aggressive. He could not stop the burning need to hurt, to hurt him as badly as he had been. But it caused him so much pain watching the damage he caused. Yet he could NOT stop.

"He is not them." Elrohir sat beside him now. " Aragorn is a good man, he loves you."

It was strange to hear him speaking thus. Elrohir's relationship with Aragorn was tense at best he knew and his jealousy of his own friendship with him had caused many arguments between them. He wondered what had changed to make Elrohir suddenly defend it.

All he knew was that he could not stand another night alone haunted by the nightmares.

"Will you lie next to me? Hold me while I sleep?"

Elrohir was taken aback.  
"Legolas,You ask too much of yourself."

But he was determined. He needed this to make him whole. Somehow he would achieve it. As it was though, Elrohir was right. As he lay enfolded in his embrace he could not relax, he did not enjoy it, did not gain the comfort he needed. It made him ache for what had gone before, for nights past and as he remembered, silently his tears fell.

But eventually he slept and he did not dream. Briefly when he awoke all he knew was the feeling of his lovers arms and it was good. It eased his soul, it was as it had always been and the love surrounded him and warmed him. But then as he came to awareness the fear returned, the memories flared and he stiffened in the embrace and shook it off.

The walls around him returned and all was pain once more.

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Aragorn.

As he walked into the gardens he sensed someone was already there. He may not have the acuity of elven senses but there was no mIstaking the sadness and confused anger that was his brother. He saw him sitting under the trees and for a moment he hesitated. Speaking to his brother could be dangerous, he never knew when a rage would strike and he was tired, so tired, and weary from days of facing Legolas's uncontrolled temper. He had no energy left for Elrohir. 

It was too late though, he had seen him and to leave now was to make things even worse. He swallowed his trepidation and approached him, sitting down on the ground beside him. Elrohir was unhappy, misery rolled off him in waves.

"You are not with Legolas today?"  
It was unusual to see him here on his own. Elrohir was despondent.

"He does not want me. He has made that very clear. He is at his most.......cutting today, and he knows well how to hurt me."

He felt a rush of sorrow for his brother and reached out to help him.

"He does want you Elrohir. He just......is unable to show it."

" I know for he has told me, but it is hard to remember when the insults are flying. Gimli is with him, that is best I think, for Gimli is an expert at weathering the storm. The words flow right over him and he will not allow Legolas room for bad behaviour. I don't know how he does it." He shrugged.

"Sometimes I think Gimli is a gift for Legolas straight from the Valar." Aragorn replied. "How he would remain here without him I do not know."

Elrohir scowled at that.

" If that is so then they owe him that and much more." He said bitterly.

They sailed too close to discussing the sea longing now and that remained a bitter, contentious topic between them. He considered how best to turn the conversation to other matters but Elrohir beat him to it.

"He spoke to me of you last night."

He was surprised at that for Legolas had nothing good to say to him at all. He gave a hollow laugh. 

"I am sure that was amusing."

Elrohir fixed him with an intense stare.

"I do not find your pain amusing Aragorn, far from it." 

He leant forward then and touched him on the arm, a gesture of support.

"He does not want to hurt you. He loves you still,"

"I know that." He replied although at times if he was honest he had doubted it.

"I told him you understood. Truth be told, he does not understand himself. You remind him of them."

He had known that was the case and it hurt him.

"I am not them!"

When he looked back he realised it was then the conversation began to deteriorate but he was lulled into a false sense of security by the unusual openness of Elrohir and did not read the warning signs.

"They are your people."

He did not notice the underlying tenseness in Elrohir's voice. 

"They are your people too." He said in reply. He should have known Elrohir would rather cut off a limb than be associated with those who hurt Legolas.

"Then I deny them! They are no part of me!"

He could not stand by and let his heritage be damned by one so close to  
him. He knew he should leave then, take the high road, be strong and walk away before the fight. But he was not strong enough, weakened by days of dealing with the intense rage of Legolas so he did not leave. He answered back.

"You can not pick and chose your ancestry. Your elven forebears are hardly free of the stain of blood themselves. Fingolfin was at Alqualondë. Do you forget that? Would you deny him? There are some who say you resemble him Elrohir."

It was the wrong thing to say entirely and yet a part of him was pleased to finally retaliate. It was freeing but Elrohir was enraged.

"Do not think to tell me of my own ancestors history. I know full well what they have done. I choose my mothers people!"

"Galadriel?" He sneered. It felt good to score a blow. 

"She was with Finarfin's people. She is no kinslayer."

"And yet," he said cooly, "She is not free from blame." He wondered how this had happened. How had they ended up at each other's throats over elves who were no longer here.

Elrohir erupted into a rage as fierce as any he had seen from him. 

"Blame? Who are you to speak of blame. You are the one to blame here. Your people hurt him and he is here because of you. It is you who hold him here in the world of men. You, who keep him away from me!"

He had had no idea that was what Elrohir had been thinking and too late he attempted to calm things down, pour water on the fire of his rage. His voice softened.

"I did not know it seemed that way to you. I hold Legolas nowhere, he is his own master. He goes where he wishes."

"You ASKED him to stay here! You know it is true! How could he refuse you?"

"Forgive me, Aragorn. Elrohir speaks of matters which lie between us. He is wrong to involve you." 

Legolas's voice was hard and cold and showed no mercy. The both of them spun around to face him in surprise.

He stood there, Gimli beside him, and his face was unreadable, inscrutable. Arms folded across his chest he was imposing indeed. 

"Legolas! I did not know," he said "I would never wish to come between the two of you. Why did you not tell me this?"

Dread filled his heart. He could not see how this confrontation could end well, not given Legolas's state of mind. Elrohir beside him said nothing and that was telling.

"You did not know? Always you have stood between us Aragorn, though not by my doing. You are not alone in that. Elladan too divides us as he ever has." Legolas's voice dripped with sarcasm. At that moment he seemed the mirror image of Thranduil. He continued,

"I am sick of it. You fight over me like dogs with a bone yet it is never about me. Always about yourselves."

He struggled to keep control of himself. The wrong word here would escalate things beyond all measure. He felt Elrohir tense and anxious beside him. How he wished he had known before what had been going on in his mind. 

"It is always about you Legolas! I LOVE you. I ache when I am not with you." His brother finally broke his silence. 

"Love me? You do not even see me."

"How can you say that?" Elrohir sounded tortured.

And what little control Legolas still had broke.

"You think only of yourselves," he cried out in anguish " Your guilt and your need to blame. You do not see me! You do not see Legolas! You turn your eyes from my pain because YOU cannot bear it. What about me? What about ME?"

Aragorn glanced at his brother but the expression on his face was as confused as he himself felt. 

"We don't understand Legolas." He said and braced himself for the furious reply.

It was Gimli who answered, stern and disapproving.

"It is the sea longing he speaks of. The fact you don't know that should be an indictment on yourselves."

A wave of shame engulfed him for what Legolas said was true. He did turn away from the pain that bought him. His guilt at having been the one to bring it upon him was intense and he could not bear to deal with Legolas when he was at his worst with it. He left it to Gimli and Arwen to watch over him then while he tried to ignore it . 

"I am sorry." He gasped and he meant it.

Legolas's face was white with rage. His mouth a thin tense line, his eyes flashing. He opened his mouth to speak but Gimli intervened before the harsh words could rain down upon them. 

"Come on lad," he said taking Legolas by the arm gently. Aragorn's heart sunk when he saw Legolas flinch at even that.  "You have said your piece. Let us go and they can think on it."

And Legolas's fury dissipated. He looked pale and unwell. Slowly he turned and walked away. 

Gimli came and stood before him. 

"This has been longstanding, do not dismiss it by attributing it to his injuries. This anger he carries has just enabled him to speak of it. Whatever issues lie between you and your brother sort them out! He has struggled on his own with this for far too long."

He jogged after Legolas and Aragorn stared after the both of them in disbelief. He turned to his brother and asked.

"How have we not seen this? Did you know this?"

"Of course I did not! You think I would deliberately cause him pain?" 

"And yet we have." He was awash with the shame of it, how selfish could he have been. 

Elrohir was pale, obviously upset.

"He is wrong though" He said. "I do blame you, you know it. I make no apologies for that, but it is not my need to blame or my anger with you that turns my eyes from him. We do not speak of the sea longing that is true but it is because.......I fear it. I am afraid it will steal him from me Aragorn, and that I just can't face."

"But you would sail with him Elrohir," he tried to ease his mind.

But Elrohir turned upon him.

"I will not! You know I will not!" The anger was so fierce he jerked back in response to it. Elrohir gave him no chance to reply. He strode off in a rage although he knew it was only a cover for his grief and guilt.

Of course he did know why Elrohir thought he couldn't sail.   
It was Arwen, always Arwen at the root of his problems with Elrohir. And there was nothing he could do about that.


	7. Chapter 7

Elrohir.

He retreated. As far away as he was able so he could allow his rage to subside. The uncontrollable surging anger at the inevitable loss of his sister. Underneath it was a carpet of guilt at the harm he had caused his lover. He had not thought, had not even considered the effect on Legolas the lack of his support would bring. He had abandoned him because of his own fear. He was a coward.

The worst of it was that Legolas believed he didn't truly know him, chose not to see the whole of him. He was right of course, in his fear he had denied the essence of Legolas as he was now. He had believed he knew him better than anyone on earth. He could not have been more wrong. Perhaps it was stoical, solid Gimli who had that honour for he had not flinched from seeing the pain, he had not run in fear, he had stood by in support whatever grief that caused him.

It was Elladan who sought him out, came to drag him out of his self imposed exile.

"Why do you hide here Brother?" He asked and Elrohir could not reply.

And so Elladan joined him and for awhile they sat in unspoken solidarity but Elladan would not let him get away with saying nothing for long.

"Why do you do this to yourself? Can you not stop punishing them....... and you...... for what after all is only love?

He spoke of Aragorn and Arwen of course and Elrohir sighed. This was old ground. Then Elladan asked him a question,

"What would you have her do?"

"What do you mean?"  
That was obvious. He would have her stay with them and not abandon him.

"Can you not imagine Elrohir, what would happen, how she would be if Aragorn had fallen? Her grief would crush her and she would take that with her..... to Valinor. Do you truly wish that on her simply so she can stay with us?"

"Of course I do not...... If she had only never met him....."

"You may as well say, If you had never met Legolas .... How would that feel?"

The thought of that totally crushed him, so he didn't bother to reply.

Elladan wouldn't let it go.  
"Could you let him go for our sakes, if it meant you lost him forever? I do not mean being temporarily parted by death or by the sea. Forever Elrohir, to never, never see him or know him again. Could you do that?"

The thought of it was so horrific, so devastating he nearly couldn't breathe.

"No! No, I could not!"

"And yet that is what you expect of Arwen and Estel, " Elladan said sadly. "You waste so much time brother, time you will not get back. I know you will grieve for Estel when he dies. I know it. And you will regret, you will have so many regrets and this time will all  
be lost to you."

He cringed at the thought of losing Aragorn. It had been in the back of his head for years causing anguish. Elladan gave him a hard look.

"Is that what this is all about Elrohir? The way you try so hard to drive him away? Is it to protect yourself when he goes because you are wrong. It will not, it will just bring you unhappiness."

It was too much. He hunched himself over and covered his ears to block out the words that haunted him. But Elladan was insistent he heard them.

"Stop this denial. You spend so much time fearing their loss you are sacrificing the memories you could carry with you. You should make the most of this time, enjoy them while they are here. Not spend it all running so when they do go you have nothing left to sustain you. Look at Legolas, Estel's death terrifies him but he does not run from it!"

"I do not wish to speak of this!"

"But you need to." Elladan threw his arms around him and hugged him. "You need to Elrohir. They will leave you. You must do now what you need to survive that. Be with them. Let him in."

"I don't know how," he said and it was true, he didn't know where to begin.

When Elladan finally left him he went to Legolas, contrite and ashamed and the welcome he received was ice cold.

"Forgive me" he said and it was heartfelt . "I have been unfair, I only thought of myself. I would speak of this now if it will help." 

But Legolas turned on him in a fury.  
"What is there to say. I know it all already. You are afraid. You fear I will sail and leave you behind. Is that not it?"

He did not wait for a reply but carried on regardless. 

"It hurts me to know you think so little of me Elrohir."

"What do you mean?" He cried, " I think the world of you, without you I am nothing."

" You have no faith in me." Legolas snarled in return, " You do not believe in my love for you! Do you have any idea what it would do to me to leave you? How do you even think I would survive that?"

"But I don't want you to stay here for my sake! I would have you leave rather than suffer pain on my account."

Before he could react a book flew across the room and struck him on the forehead. Legolas was livid and fuming. 

"You will not listen! None of you will. You treat me like a child. I do not stay for you. Not for you or Aragorn or Gimli! If it was simply that, I would not manage to stay at all. I stay for me Elrohir. For ME! I don't want to leave. I am not ready. I do not need your guilt, your blame, your anxiety. Can you not just help me. Can you not just....."

He collapsed on the bed, his head in his hands. Elrohir hesitated, he wanted to offer comfort but comforting Legolas was a risky business at the moment. In the end he sat beside him, careful not to touch. 

"I am sorry," he said in the end. "I am so sorry. You are right, I am afraid, I am afraid of losing all of you. You, Elladan, Aragorn and Arwen."

Legolas raised his head and looked at him. Suddenly he realised he did not look at all well. 

"You will never lose me Elrohir. Never. As for Aragorn...." He sighed.

"You do not look well. What is wrong? Shall I call him.......or Elladan?" he realised Aragorn may not be welcome. Without thinking he took Legolas's hand and was surprised when he tolerated it. 

"No......I am .... It is nothing." 

It did not look like nothing to him but he held his tongue not wishing to disrupt the moment of closeness. 

"Do you want me to stay?" He suddenly found he was desperate to delay leaving but he noticed some hesitation, he had pushed things too far.

"I will just sit, in the chair beside you, that is all. If you dream I will wake you, nothing more."   
Legolas let out a ragged breath. He looked weary and he stared at their two hands entwined together. 

"It is not enough" he said in the end. "It is all I can give but it is not enough."

Elrohir lifted their hands up between them and raised Legolas's gently to his lips. 

"It is more than enough beloved. Anything you can give, It is more than enough."

 

........................................................................................................

 

Legolas.

 

When he walked away with Gimli from Aragorn and Elrohir initially he felt euphoric. For so long he had struggled with their issues with the sea longing. The way they watched him warily and yet chose to ignore it, to never speak of it. But by the time he reached his rooms the euphoria had drained away leaving him tired and weary.

He felt stretched to breaking point. The constant tension he was under was wearing him down. His nerves were jangling and he thought that he must surely break but he could not relax, he could never relax. He sat down with a sigh.

"They needed to hear that Legolas, it is good you have said it" Gimli said to him.

" I know," he agreed, "But will they listen?"

Gimli looked at him apraisingly,  
"It drags at you now, I can tell, and that is the last thing you need."

He was right of course. The sea did call for him, an intense longing that did not help when added to his existing anxiety and need to flee. Gimli always knew, he could always tell when it got the better of him. He never ran from it but faced it head on as if it was simply another foe the two of them fought against together. He loved him for it.

Still he only shrugged,

"It is just one more thing. I can deal with it." 

He sent Gimli away eventually though that was a struggle in itself. The stress of battling with the churning anxiety he felt when ever he was with someone grew too much and he wished to be alone.

It was not to be though as Elrohir arrived, as he had expected, apologetic and miserable. He was not in the mood for it, strained by company as he was. He was so tired and Elrohir took so much of his energy to deal with.

He tried to get him to understand, to see how no one was responsible for the reasons he did not sail and in the end he pleaded for help but he was, as always, unsure if Elrohir had truly heard him. His head ached, his back ached and he was sick of it all.

Still when he sat next to him and Elrohir clutched at his hand he did not withdraw and the touch bought him reassurance instead of the now familiar dread which surprised him. When Elrohir suggested he stay however anxiety surged through him. He remembered the wrongness of their closeness the night before and as he sat there gaining support from his touch he could not bear the idea of returning again to that uncomfortable feeling which only served to remind him how far apart they were.

He grasped at the straw Elrohir offered him, of his presence without touch, though he knew it was not enough and was torn apart inside at his inability to connect with him. Yet Elrohir was accepting and when he lifted his hand to his lips a thrill ran though him which both lifted him and frightened him and he let go of his hand.

In the end he could not sleep and he lay and watched Elrohir knowing he was unhappy in the chair beside him. His hand, empty now, felt cold and icy where Elrohir's touch had warmed it and he ached for its return. Slowly he reached out, through the walls that surronded him and kept him from his Lover to reach for him, seeking the physical contact once again. Elrohir's face he when clasped his hand was full of amazement but he said nothing, merely returned his grip firmly and finally, finally, Legolas could sleep.

He awoke in the night, drenched in sweat, the terror of an unknown dream clinging to him but he felt a hand gently, slowly stroking his hair and the touch was welcome, not frightening. He heard a voice beautiful, familiar and reassuring singing to him quietly, a lullaby it sounded like although one he did not know. And the dream receded from his mind, the fear evaporated and love encompassed him once more,

When he woke the second time sunlight streamed through his windows, it was morning and Elrohir was gone. By his bed was a tray of food, still steaming hot so obviously recently left. He ate it for Elrohir's sake, for he must have been the one who left it, rather than because he wished it. He was not hungry.

Then he rose to gaze out the window. The city lay before him, cold stone and Men everywhere he looked and he felt he would smother underneath its weight. He longed for the trees, open spaces, his people and he knew he could not remain.

So he gathered all his strength together to face his fears for he knew what it was he must do.


	8. Chapter 8

Legolas.

 

He stood outside Aragorns study for a long while before he managed to summon the courage to enter. He was afraid to seek out his company worrying about the tricks his mind now played on him when he saw his friend but it had to be done.

When he eventually entered Aragorn was startled, leaping up from behind his desk.

"Legolas! I didn't expect you."

Aragorn looked almost as tense as he felt and his heart ached at the gaping loss where the unconditional love of his friend had once stood.

"I need to speak to you."

Aragorn came around from behind the desk but he wished he would have stayed there, the barrier of the desk between them had made him feel safe. He edged away.

"I am sorry, my friend, for yesterday. I meant to come to you....but Elrohir was there....I thought it probably not wise." 

He was certainly right in that. Legolas had no ability left to manage the delicate dance required from him by the two of them.  
Aragorn continued to speak.

"Can you forgive me my neglect. I had no idea. I have been selfish."

"It is strange," his voice sounded cold and chilling even to his own ears, "Elrohir said the same thing. Do I have to tell you what I told him?" 

"What is that?" Concern shone on Aragorns face.

"That you hurt me only by your lack of faith in me. You have no need for guilt over the sea-longing Aragorn. Why is it you trust me so little? I was a leader of men before you were born. I have fought the struggle against the dark for more years than you can count and yet you think me incapable of running my own life? Making my own decisions?"

"I do not!" Aragorn was offended. "Legolas, I see your worth. Do not say I carry no respect for you. I would flounder without your support."

"And yet, you feel you must take responsibility for all my decisions." He felt the beginnings of the now familiar anger churning within him.  
"The sea longing is nothing to do with you Aragorn. I knew what it was I did. I had been warned, you heard it. I chose to go regardless. It was my decision and mine alone."

I placed an expectation on you!" Aragorn cried.

"Do you not think I could not have disregarded that if I wished." He replied.  
"In the end my choice had everything to do with myself, my people and my home and very little to do with you!"   
The rage had conquered him now and he let it pour out.  
"To tell the truth sometimes I think all you and Elrohir have in common is your low opinion of ME,"

He saw the look of hurt cross Aragorn's face and momentarily he was pleased, pleased to have seen that reaction, pleased to have succeeded in causing pain. but he quickly buried that feeling, it worried him.

"I do not wish to talk of this any further." He needed to change The subject before he forgot why he came.

"I have a request, there is something I need."

"Anything! Anything you need I will give Legolas!" Aragorn was desperate to appease him.

"I need to go home."

For a second Aragorn was taken aback but he recovered.

Home?"

"To Ithilien, you know where my home is."

"I thought....perhaps the Greenwood, Your Father, they may help you..."

"No! That will not help me!" The anger flashed through him again. Would they never understand?  
"I will leave tomorrow, I am fit to ride,"

"You will not go alone."

"Gimli will come." He had planned it already.

"No!"   
Aragorn advanced on him and he hastely backed away.  
"Are you mad? You will not go alone, you may be fit to ride...just....but you are not fit to defend yourself. At the least I will escort you, and Elrohir, no doubt Elladan as well. How foolish can you be Legolas?"

"A trip caught between you and your brothers...that is sure to do me good." Even he winced at the sarcasm of his words.

"That is final Legolas." Aragorn would not be argued with.  
"I cannot hold you here, You may go if you wish, but I WILL come with you."

Seeing Aragorn in his anger made him uneasy, nervous even and he turned to leave, keen to put space between them but as he reached the door Aragorn called him back.

"Legolas!"

"Yes."

"You will not disobey me on this. There will be a guard on your door and the soliders at the gate will have orders not to let you past. I will be speaking with Gimli. I have no doubt you have not fully informed him of your plans."

He stood sulkily and said nothing, what was there to say. Aragorn had seen right through him, of course he had planned to go without them regardless.

"Do you understand me?" 

He pressed back against the door, eager to escape the anger raining upon him.

What choice do I have?"

"None, Legolas. You have none."

 

............................................

 

Elrohir.

 

"He intends to do what?!" 

He was furious, burning with white hot rage and he could not believe his ears.   
He felt Elladan lay a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Perhaps Ithilien is the best place for him. I can see merit in it."

" You will not support him in this?! It is madness..,,to go on his own? The men who did this to him are still out there."

" He is NOT going on his own. I have made sure of that."

It was Aragorn at his most stern. 

"How could he do this? Not even tell me?"   
It was a feeling of betrayal and rejection that encompassed him. He had thought he was making headway and it was so obviously not the case. 

"He is not himself, Elrohir," Elladan tried once again to calm him.   
"You know this. He does not mean to hurt."

"He does! He does!" He cried, "That is exactly what he means to do. He chooses his words with care, just so they will hurt the most! It is so hard Brother, you have no idea, but this....this.... it is too much!"

He was still raging when he left them and went in search of Legolas. It was Gimli he found first.

"Where is Legolas," he demanded.  
If Gimli was surprised by his demeanour he didn't show it, 

"In the gardens, with Arwen. But do you think you are in the best mood to be with him? He is angry enough himself today. Perhaps it is not wise?"

"He is always angry." He spat back. "And he WILL hear me out today!"

Legolas was exactly where Gimli had said he would be. Seated in the gardens with Arwen at his side. He paused briefly to watch them. Legolas, pale and tense but still glowing with beauty. Oh how he loved him. Oh how the loss of him ached. It was agony, to have him here and yet not. To be shut out so viciously.

His anger flared, his rage was all encompassing. He knew he was losing control but he could not stop. In fact the loss of control felt good, exhilarating in a way if he did not stop to think of the consequences.

"Legolas!" He snarled.   
There was no mistaking his fury and Legolas leapt to his feet anxious, a picture of nervousness.

"You would leave? You would leave me without a word?" 

"I have to."Legolas's face blanched white. "I need to."

He said he needed to. He needed to leave him. The rejection broke him and the thin sliver of control he still had was lost. All his anger, his hurt and rejection he showered upon those walls that kept his lover from him. Walls he had been unable to break down with love.

"Do you know? Do you know what it was like to find you there...broken, damaged? Do you know what that has done to me? I carry those images forever. You would risk that again? You do not even care!"

"Please Elrohir, stop!" It was Arwen, holding him back but he knocked her aside and advanced on his lover. He did not even notice the fear in Legolas's eyes as he stumbled backwards away from him.

"I cannot do this!" He screamed, "You care nothing for me. You push me away. I can stand it no longer. It is too hard, Legolas, It is too much!" 

He needed him to understand. He needed that with a passion, he had to reach him somehow and that was all he thought about as he grabbed hold of his tunic and hauled him close to shout in his face.

"Stop it Legolas. Stop hurting me!"

He did not see the wide eyes, the face drained of colour, the clenched fists. He did not see the wild punch thrown in terror.

Until it struck his jaw and knocked him to the ground.


	9. Chapter 9

Elrohir.

 

He was not sure if he had always been awake or not but his eyes were closed. He was lying on the ground and in the background he could hear a ragged sobbing coming, he knew, from one he loved. Soft voices murmured in the distance. Nearer to him was a clear conversation.

"I will take him and calm him down Estel." 

That was Elladan, he thought, when did he get here? Another voice sounded from beside him. 

"Do not worry for Elrohir. I will see to him." 

Aragorn was there too then.

"Is that wise Estel, should I send someone to help?"

"I think we can manage not to tear ourselves apart Elladan."

He kept his eyes closed and thought on what he had done. With the anger drained away suddenly he could see what he had not before. Legolas's terror as he approached. Was he some kind of monster? Why had he allowed himself to lose so much control? Perhaps he could simply stay here, never open his eyes and avoid facing up to the damage he had caused. The thought was quite tempting. 

He noticed all was now silent, but a firm steady hand fell upon his shoulder.

"I know you are awake Elrohir. Open your eyes."

"I cannot." He said, although it was truer to say he did not want to, so in the end he did. To his surprise what appeared to be two Aragorns danced grim faced before his eyes. He frowned.

"There are two of you?" He asked uncertainly.

Aragorn smiled at him.  
"That was a nasty blow you took. Did you forget Legolas has a good right hook?" He said gently.

He did not answer for surely he did not deserve any comfort be given to him. When the Aragorns had merged in to one he attempted to sit up sending the garden spinning rapidly around him. He swayed and felt Aragorn's strong presence suddenly behind him holding him up. Now he could see why it was so silent. They were alone.

"Where is he?" He asked 

"Elladan has him, do not worry."

"How can I not?" He gasped, " What have I done? I am such a fool Aragorn, how can you bear to be with me?"

"You are no fool, Elrohir. He has pushed you to your limit. Your reaction was understandable......at least I understand it."

"I have hurt him. I have made things worse. I thought things were improving, he was beginning to trust me ..... now...... I have ruined everything."he felt utterly and completely wretched.

The surroundings steadied and he pushed himself away from Aragorns support.  
" Why are you even here?" He asked.

Beside him Aragorn smiled again.  
"Gimli came for us. He felt your discussion with Legolas might not go well." 

"He was right." He sighed, overwhelmed by self hatred but Aragorn placed his hand on his arm.

"Look at me Elrohir." It was the last thing he wanted to do, for he would see the shame on his face.

But Aragorn would not let him hide.

"You are not alone in this, you are not! Do you think you are the first to shout at Legolas today? What do you think my reaction was to his news? I can tell you he was frightened of me too but it did not stop me. I know what it is like for you. I know the pain his words cause and I know that understanding why he does it does not help." 

He hung his head, his first reaction had been to snap back, how could Aragorn understand any of it? Was he suggesting he was as close to Legolas as he, Elrohir was? But he had seen the looks of pain on his face when Legolas flung his anger at him, he knew how it hurt his brother and a part of him was so very glad not to be alone with his pain. 

"What can I do? How can I mend him?" 

"You can't." Aragorn replied. " None of us can, he must do it himself. His healing must come from within. We will take him to Ithilien, perhaps Elladan is right, it is the best place for him, away from men and with his own people. Then you can return here with me. Some time apart may help things."

"I do not want time apart from him! " he cried. "So long have we spent away from each other. You have no idea Aragorn, you cannot comprehend the years we have spent separated, and it is too much for me now. It was supposed to be different after..... But it is still the same, still he chooses to be away from me." 

It was at the heart of his pain, the separation and Legolas's choices after the Ring war. He understood none of it except that he did not want to be away from him now.

Yet still Legolas ran from him. 

 

..............................................

 

Legolas.

Early morning sun streamed across the courtyard showering them all in its warm glow of light but the warmth did not reach him as he stood in turmoil surrounded everywhere by Men. He felt Gimli's presence standing staunchly at his back, sometimes he felt as if the solid unswerving love of the dwarf was all that kept him upright. 

A shadow fell across him and he jerked his gaze upward, to find Aragorn standing in front of him, stern and serious.

"We are ready to depart. Are you prepared?" His tone was almost harsh, angry and frustrated and it made him  
cringe mentally inside. 

"Yes." He nodded but in truth he was far from ready for this. The thought of the journey terrified him, he had spent the night awake imagining endless nightmare situations that could befall them. 

His eyes drifted over the heads of the Men to Elrohir, standing beside Elladan. Briefly his caught his glance before Elrohir averted his eyes steadfastly looking in the opposite direction.

" How is Elrohir?" He asked not moving his gaze from his lover. He had not seen him since their altercation in the gardens. When he had regained his composure he had wanted to go to him, to apologise, but his courage had deserted him in the end and he had stayed away. He had hoped Elrohir might come to him, had spent the evening wishing for it, but he did not.

" He has a headache." Aragorn sounded displeased with him and he turned back to look at him.

" I am sorry.......for what happened .....I did not mean to harm him." He knew it was not enough.

"And yet you did." Aragorn replied.  
"He is my brother Legolas, as much as I love you, as much as I know why you do the things you do, I cannot stand by and let you cause him pain."

It was a familiar refrain to him, the brothers, standing together, without him, and he had struggled with it for years. But it was not usually Aragorn aligning himself against him and that pained him. 

He opened his mouth to protest, to try to explain but Aragorn was not in the mood to listen and he raised his hand to stop him.

"He has gone through this before, you know this Legolas. This is his worst nightmare come to life again." He spoke of Elrohir's mother of course.

"How can I know when he never, never speaks to me of that." He snapped. It hurt him, Elrohir's reluctance to let him in and share that pain.

"Because you still know the story. He does not speak to me of it either, never has he done so but I know. He lost her, she left him, left them all, and now....he is terrified of losing you as well."

"He will NOT lose me! I have told him this. He will not lose me because.....because losing him would destroy me. Destroy me more than I already am."  
The pain of that thought gripped his heart and shredded it into pieces.

"You may have told him Legolas, but deep down he does not believe you." Aragorn sighed and ran his hand through his hair in frustration.  
"You must have more control." His face was closed and hard as he looked at him. "We know you are hurting and in pain but that does not give you free reign to hurt. You must stop this Legolas before you ruin those you love."

Aragorn turned to go and he knew in those last words he had been refering to himself as well as Elrohir. How he longed to reach out and embrace his friend, to let him know he still loved him.

Instead he cried out,  
" Well soon I will be gone and you will be free of me. I will bother you no longer when I am in Ithilien. I am sure you will all be much relieved!"

He regretted the words as soon as he said them for it was just what Aragorn had meant and they were cruel and untrue. Aragorn's shoulders flinched as the words hit him and Gimli, behind him grasped his elbow.

"That was uncalled for Legolas."

Aragorn turned to face him once again, still and silent.

At last he spoke and his words broke his already battered heart.

"I miss you Legolas."

And then he was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

Elrohir.

 

He spent his time on the ride from the city watching Legolas, his eyes never leaving him.  He rode with the dwarf at his back as he always did when the two of them were together. They had not spoken since the day before and he wished to desperately, to try to explain his loss of control, although he did not truly understand it himself. But whenever the opportunity arose to get near trepidation overtook him for what if he made things between them even worse.

He knew when fatigue began to creep up on Legolas, saw the small changes in his posture. The stooping of his shoulders and slight swaying in the saddle. The dwarf knew too and he was glad when he saw Gimli leaning forward, whispering in Legolas's ear, trying no doubt, to get him to confess to his need for rest. But he also knew Legolas would not do that. He would ride himself into the ground if necessary for he was desperate to escape Minas Tirith and stubbornly determined not to show weakness, least of all amongst a company of Men.

He urged his horse forward to draw abreast of his brother.

"Aragorn, Legolas struggles. He needs to rest."

Aragorn glanced around across the men to where Legolas and Gimli rode and examined them with a knowing eye.

"Let him come to me and ask for it then." He said eventually and his tone was a bitter one.

"You know he will never do that. He is wilful and stubborn and will fall off the horse before he asks for aid. What will that achieve?"

Aragorn sighed.  
"You are right of course, it will achieve nothing."

Aragorn raised his hand, stopping the company and swung his horse around riding towards Legolas. From where he stood Elrohir could hear their conversation of course, he knew he should not listen but if he could not speak to Leoglas himself he also could not resist the chance for a glimpse into his thoughts. It should be him who went to speak to him of his struggle to keep going but he could not.

"You need rest. We will stop at the next appropriate place for food and drink." Aragorn sounded tired and weary.

"I am well, Aragorn. I do not need to rest." He had expected Legolas to deny it.

"Do not listen to him Aragorn! I fear he will tumble off this horse and leave me to deal with it." That was Gimli, who well knew Legolas was nearing his limits.

He could hear the small smile, the imperceptible lightening of Aragorns voice. Gimli was the master of defusing tension.

"I will not listen to him of course Gimli. It is non negotiable, we stop regardless of whether or not Legolas believes he needs it."

"I could continue without you." Legolas was sullen and miserable.

"And yet you will not, because what would that gain you? Do not force me to drag you from your horse Legolas. Believe me I will do. You were attacked in my realm, by my people. This IS my responsibility and I WILL see you home safely. Do not make me have to restrain you to achieve that." 

As Aragorn swung his horse around again and rode back towards him Elrohir felt despondence at the frustration and guilt he heard in his brothers voice. He wished he could ease his pain. For all the bitterness towards him he carried he did not want to watch him tear himself apart over this. Lately, with the pain of Legolas building a bridge of understanding between them, his long held anger had been fading from its usual place in forefront of his thoughts. He looked at Aragorn beside him again and felt sorrow, not resentment. He felt a sudden need to comfort and reached out to try and ease the pain.

"He is always stubborn about recieving aid when he needs it. I have lost count of the times he has pushed me aside when he needed help over the years."

Aragorn looked at him and smiled but it was forced and soon faded. He looked overburdened and Elrohir wished Arwen was here to give him the silent support he obviously needed. A rush of brotherly love enfolded itself around his heart. He spoke without thinking.

"You have my support always, Estel."

He didn't notice the use of the childhood name he had for so long spurned but Aragorn did and his eyes widened in surprise, that, Elrohir did notice. Why was he surprised at that statement? Surely his brother had not doubted that whatever their differences he was always there for him? He was anxious to assuage that doubt. 

"Tell me you do not doubt that. Tell me you know I always, always will be there when you need me. You are my brother Aragorn!"

Aragorn simply looked at him, tears glistening in his eyes.

"You used my name." He said simply. " You called me Estel. I thought never to hear that again."  
 And when Aragorn turned his head from him, he knew it was to prevent him from seeing the tears fall.

He was ashamed then because he had known everytime he had refused to utter his brothers elven name, everytime he had made it obvious he would not, was a  wound to his brothers heart and he had rejoiced in that. Perhaps he had not realised just how deep those wounds had gone.

When they stopped he watched as Gimli argued with Legolas speaking urgently under his breath. He could well imagine the frustration of trying to bend Legolas's stubborn will so he intercepted him as he came towards him carrying a plate of food. 

"Problems?" He said with the slightest of smiles.

"He refuses to eat. He is a foolish, stubborn creature who would not know common sense if it hit him in the face. He does this to prove a point to Aragorn but it will be I who has to try and keep him upright on that dratted horse."

He took the plate from Gimli's hand. 

"Let me try."

"Huh!" Gimli exclaimed, "Do you honestly think that would be wise?"

" Can it make things any worse?" He said, if only he had known.....

Gimli shrugged his shoulders.

" I suppose not. Try if you must. I do not hold out any hope you will succeed."

He approached Legoas with caution, as if he were stalking a wounded animal, and he recieved the welcome he expected, a rigid back turned to him.

" Legolas, will you not eat? The road ahead of us is long."

Legolas turned to face him, his eyes unreadable.   
" Elrohir, why now do you come to me? Where were you last night?"

" I thought...I thought it would be best to stay away...let us both calm down." He felt terribly uncertain and unsure of what to say. It hurt him that the echoing space between them was so large.

" It was not best." Legolas said bluntly, he pushed the food away, " I do not want this."

Elrohir let out a sigh, he was disheartened and the burden of working through this seemed unbearable.

"If I annoy you why do you bother spending time with me?" Legolas snapped.

"You do not annoy me." once again he attempted to explain the tangle of his feelings.   
"I do not know how to help you. I do not know what to do, I am trying Legolas....everything I do is the wrong thing." He dropped his head in his hands.

"I am ashamed," he raised his head to look his lover in the eye, "I am ashamed of my lack of control yesterday. It should not have happened. I hurt you."

"I hurt you also -"  
 Legolas stopped mid sentance as his eyes caught sight of the darkening bruise on Elrohir's jaw and he tentatively reached out and brushed his fingers along it.  
"I am sorry for this..." He said quietly.

The touch of Legolas's fingers on his skin was like lighting a fire within him and he yearned for more. He wished to grab the hand cupping his face and hold it there, and never let it go. He did not though for to do so was to ensure Legolas took flight.

He needed to explain his loss of control, his anger and so he made what was a poor attempt.

"It was my fault, I was....I was upset. You said you needed to leave. I did not want it."

"I DO need to." Legolas reaffirmed it and it still hurt. "It feels wrong between us Elrohir, and that hurts, I do not want to feel it....I do not want us to be together when it is all so.....different."

"It is not wrong!" He was desperate to get the message across and in his desperation grasped Legolas's hand in his but it was quickly withdrawn, "It is not wrong, I am still here, I love you. I always will." 

Legolas shook his head.   
"It feels wrong, it feels wrong to me."

He felt as if a well of despair was opening up and swallowing him whole.

"But I need to be with you," he cried. "I need it! I cannot be apart any longer. Do you not remember your promise? You promised me we would not be parted. You promised me it would be the last time!"

He was truly anguished to be able to speak of this, he had often thought of it but never raised it, frightened as he was of the answers to his questions.

Legolas looked at him cooly,  
"I remember it. How could I not?"

"But you never kept it! You threw it in my face, you choose to be here with Aragorn....Aragorn, my brother, instead of with me. Am I not enough? Am I not good enough for you?"

"I do not choose it." Legolas rose to his feet. " I have no choice. I cannot come to you. You know of Galadriel's words to me. No longer will I find peace under the trees, in the wood. I cannot bear it Elrohir, I cannot bear to return to my home. Do you not think I want to be there after all the years I fought to free it from the shadow? Do you not wonder why I remain so far away? It is too painful, too painful there and in Imladris! At least here it is not really home, I have no memories here that are without the restlessness of the sea. I can forget.....forget it ever was different than this. My father understands this why can't you?!"

He was astonished. He had never thought, never even begun to understand the depths of this.   
"You have never told me!"

"Because you do not want to hear it! You never have. It enrages you, and so I keep it to myself. Do not accuse me of breaking a promise for where are you? It is YOU who chooses to stay away from me."

"I cannot come here." He was confused, "You know that. I must be in Imladris...I have responsibilities....I cannot leave Elladan alone....."

It was the wrong thing to say.

In his rage Legolas kicked the food he had bought into the dirt. 

"And there it is," his voice rose in anger. "Elladan, as it always is and always has been. You put Elladan before me in all things. You choose him over me. I always knew you would!" 

"That is not true!" He tried to protest....but was it? 

His protest was too late, it fell on deaf ears as Legolas had spun on his heals and stalked away.

"Do not follow me!" His last angry words to him echoing in his ears. 

And so he let him go.


	11. Chapter 11

Gimli.

 

When Elrohir offered to take over the onerous chore of trying to force Legolas to eat he grasped it with both hands. He regretted that later and felt no small amount of guilt about it, but at the time, not knowing what was to come, he was happy to hand the care of the elf over to someone else.

He knew Elrohir was not the right person at that point in time, not after the events of the day before but he was tired and worn down by days of struggling with his friend. Days of steadfast support and weathering what was at times a vicious storm. So Elrohir offered and he gladly stepped aside. 

Instead he spent the break from the ride with the men, enjoying their easy uncomplicated company, relaxing into the thrill of not having to think deeply about his every word. It was a very pleasant interlude and at the end when Aragorn indicated it was time to move once again he was refreshed and ready to face whatever the ride ahead might bring him.

It was only when he went looking for Legolas and did not find him that he began to worry. He cast his eyes about for Elrohir and spotted him with his brother, the two of them looking so similar he still struggled to tell them apart much to Legolas's amusement. He strode over to enquire as to where his friend might be feeling a churning of anxiety beginning in his belly.

" Elrohir, where is Legolas? " he enquired. "Aragorn is ready to depart but I can find him nowhere."

Elrohir looked both tense and stressed by this news.

"He is not back?" He asked, "He .....left....to calm down, I would have thought he would be back by now"

"He left? What do you mean by that? He left....where did he go? Why did you let him?" He felt the crawl of anxiety begin to turn into pure fear.

" You were right. It was not wise for me to approach him. We argued....he went to the woods, I thought to clear his head..." Elrohir looked shamefaced.

He could not believe his ears, Legolas had gone into the woods on his own. They would never find him there, not if he did not want to be found. Still there was no point dwelling on that now, perhaps he was just there sulking.  
He sighed.

"He is probably still sitting a in a tree talking to the leaves and time has got away from him. I will fetch him." 

He stomped moodily off towards the forest wondering, as he often did, what he had done to deserve being saddled with a whole bunch of uncontrollable elves. The forest itself to his eyes was dark and depressing, its dankness pressed inwards upon him. As much time as he had spent with Legolas he had never become accustomed to forests.

"Legolas?"

He called for his friend but in truth he had little hope of locating him. Legolas took much pleasure in his ability to hide from him in trees. 

"Legolas! Come down and show yourself. We are ready to leave and you hold us up. Legolas, come out, I have no patience for this foolery today!"

He had found sometimes being dictatorial and issuing orders did have an impressive effect, but not today because of Legolas there was no sign. In the end he admitted defeat and returned to the camp.

Elrohir was waiting for him anxiously on the edge of the forest.

"Did you find him? I thought not to go in after you...... He may not find my presence welcoming." He looked so defeated and broken Gimli felt a jolt of sympathy for him despite the fact they were in this difficult situation due to his inattention. 

"No, if he is there he does not wish to speak to me obviously," he sighed heavily,  
"We will have to confess to Aragorn we have mislaid him. He will not be pleased."

It was with a heavy heart he approached Aragorn who was looking more burdened by the day. He knew the effect their friends antagonism had on him

"Gimli," he said lightly, maybe too lightly when they approached.   
"Is Legolas ready, I cannot see him."

"He has eluded us." He said bluntly for he could see no point in dodging the issue.  
" He has taken himself into the trees and we cannot locate him."

"How did that happen?" Aragorn was indeed tense as he had expected,  
"Were you not with him?"

He opened his mouth to confess to his error, his eagerness to grasp the opportunity for a break away from Legolas had led to this, but behind him Elrohir intervened.

"It was my fault, I went to speak to him and I should not have. We argued....." His voice trailed off in despair.

Gimli braced himself for an explosion from Aragorn but it did not eventuate.  
Instead he laid a hand on Elrohir's shoulder in support.

"We must look for him then" he sighed   
"Although finding him is unlikely to be an easy task."

He watched Aragorn as he organised his men arranging the search although he must know there was no possible chance any of those soldiers had a hope of locating Legolas. He looked like a man who was totally defeated and yet still he would not give up on his friend.

"You kept your temper well with your brother" he said to him as they walked towards the woods.   
" For surely he has erred here, letting the elf disappear."

He knew matters between Aragorn and that particular brother were far from easy, Legolas had told him as much even had he not been able to see it with his own eyes. Aragorn turned to him and smiled,

" I understand the rocky path speaking with Legolas is at present. I am guilty of straying from that myself, Look at Elrohir, he is crushed by this. What do I gain by making his burden even heavier?"

They were wise words and he nodded his agreement.

"You know we have no hope of finding him if he does not wish it?"

Aragorn gave him a rueful smile.  
"I have been known to track him down occasionally! He is most certainly not himself, there is a chance."

"A small, remote, hardly worth mentioning chance. I hope you do not fool yourself."

Aragorn turned to him,  
" I know, Gimli. I know it is unlikely. In all probability we will just have to sit here and wait until he sees sense and emerges by himself . But what would you have me do? I have to try."

And he had to agree with that.

He hated the forest with a vengeance. It felt oppressive, and all he could see were trees. He was hoarse with shouting and had seen no sign of the elf. Somehow he found himself separated from the others but he could still hear their calls echoing around him. 

 Just as he paused for breath and contemplation the air was shattered with an agonised keening wail. It echoed of the trees around him and turned his legs to jelly for he knew who it was, there was no mistaking Legolas. He ran as fast as he could through the vines that choked the forest floor stumbling in his panic as the wailing continued.  
 It was a cry of deepest grief and pain. 

Then just as suddenly as it started it ceased and all was quiet. He stopped, trying to get his bearings, where had the sound been coming from? He damned the disorientating trees to all eternity. As he stood heart hammering in his chest, echoing in the now eerie silence, noise returned. Not a wail now but cries and shouts, the sound of an altercation and it was near him. 

It took him a brief few minutes to get there, and when he did, emerging into the tree lined clearing what he saw riveted him to the spot in shock.

It was Legolas, of course, and he was a wild, raging thing. His hair flew out in a halo of pale gold around him. His eyes were flashing with fury. He held his knife aloft dripping with blood and he was a frightening sight. But it was not that which shocked him to his core for he had seen Legolas in his battle state many a time before, it was the sight of the figure in front of him. 

 Aragorn was on his knees, on the ground his face a bloodied mess. He clutched at his right arm, blood oozing down through his fingers. 

The scene before him was incomprehensible. What was happening? 

"Legolas!" He cried, " Stop this!" It was an order that could not be disobeyed, all his authority, his determination he threw into those three words. He would not be ignored. 

And it worked.

Legolas turned his head towards him startled at the sound. 

"Gimli?" He seemed bemused at his presence but there was no time to waste pondering on that. Taking the opportunity provided by the moment of distraction Gimli strode forward placing himself between his two friends. 

"Stop this Legolas. Put down your weapon."

Behind him he heard a noise, the sound  of Elladan arriving kneeling beside his brother.

"Brother. what has happened?" Elladan asked. It was a question he wanted answered himself.

"This is my fault" he heard Aragorn say between gritted teeth.

While he stood, in front of his closest friend who brandished a bright glinting weapon in his face his mind was racing. What could have caused this? He tried to force himself to think...think of a reason, a way he could calm and resolve this but he came up with nothing.

He had known his elf was a simmering pool of deep buried anger. He had also known every day that anger forced it's way closer to the surface. But this? ........ and Aragorn? He would have been prepared to swear on his life that Legolas, no matter what tensions lay between them, would never, never harm Aragorn. It was unimaginable. 

He could not afford to take his eyes off Legolas, not yet, but at the sound of Aragorn's voice the elf turned his gaze towards the man he protected and stood, staring as if in a dream his eyes wide, his face white with shock. 

"Come now Legolas, give me the knife." He had to get that weapon away from him he thought, none of them were safe until he managed that.

Legolas tore his eyes from Aragorn and swung to look back at him, confusion written all over his face. 

"What have I done?" He gasped.

"It is alright Lad," he spoke calmly and softly to him now careful not to startle. His heart ached to see the tear-streaked face, the lost expression on the bewildered elf before him. 

"It is alright, give me the knife Legolas....I need you to give that to me."

It was as if Legolas did not hear him.

"Where has he gone?" He asked "He was here, where has he gone, did you see him?"

"There is no one here Legolas, no one but us. You are safe, we will not hurt you. Give me the knife." And he held out his hand. Despite his horror at Aragorns injuries he was still confident he was safe with Legolas. He could not bring himself to believe he would ever be at risk from his beloved friend. 

Legolas turned his head to look at the knife in his hand, he seemed mesmerised by it and slowly, slowly he opened his hand and dropped it spiraling to the ground, his eyes never leaving it as it fell.

He let out the breath he didn't know he was holding as the knife fell but before he could move to retrieve it Legolas was on his knees beside it running his hand over the blade as if caressing the blood that lay there.

He winced as he watched the sharp blade slice through the palm of that pale hand but Legolas did not so much as flinch as his blood began to mingle with Aragorns on the ground. 

Quickly, before any more damage could be done he knelt and placed his hand over his friend's, pulling a cloth from his pocket to hold against the wound.

"Come now Legolas," he said softly, "This will not do. I will have none of this foolishness, we do not need you hurt as well."

Legolas lifted his head to look at him, his eyes, deep dark wells of pain and he was shaking beneath his touch.

"I did not know," he said, " I did not know it was him."

He patted his hand gently,  
"I know that Lad." In truth he knew nothing of the sort and worried about exactly what had happened to his friends mind.

" We don't need this now do we?" He carefully, slowly pulled the knife away from Legolas's grasp.   
"I will look after it for you."

He turned placing it on the ground behind him and took the chance to check the wellbeing of Aragorn while he was at it. He looked dreadful, pale and bruised, pain etched on his face but he would live. It could have been so much worse he thought, though it was certainly bad, very bad. Still, if he could calm Legolas down, get an explanation, they could find a way to move on from this.

He felt rather than saw the movement beside him and jerked back around at Aragorn's cry of warning but his reflexes were  sluggish, slowed down by the release of tension gaining control of the knife had caused. 

His one moment of inattention cost them dearly.  
By the time he had turned himself around, Legolas was gone.


	12. Chapter 12

Aragorn.

He had a headache. In fact it was days since he could last remember not having a headache. It was stress he knew, his nerves were on edge and he was tired, so tired of it all. His friendship with Legolas, the friendship he cherished most deeply was a raw wound of misunderstanding and resentment and at times he had begun to wonder if it had ever been what he had thought it was. 

Now Legolas had stormed off, hiding himself after a row with Elrohir and despite the confidence with which he had spoken to Gimli he knew he had no chance of finding him, not if he didn't want to be found. Still he had to try. 

He thought he had found a trail but deep down he thought it was probably just wishful thinking, perhaps he was seeing only what he wanted to see. The trail was so faint, so difficult to determine he was unsure it actually existed. He had no other leads though and so he followed it, to make himself feel better as much as anything. 

He knelt on the forest floor examining some disruption to the leaves he imagined he saw there when the sound came, loud and gut churning. A wailing cry of absolute grief. It chilled him to his bones and he knew it was Legolas.

He moved through the forest at speed, Legolas was not far from him and the knowledge he was in pain spurred him on even faster, he could not bear to hear it. He found him in a clearing alone, on his knees his head thrown back, tears streaming down his face. He was a vision of utmost distress and it wrenched his heart to see it.

He did not pause to think, he did not take time to gather his thoughts. His friend was in trouble, he did not know why, did not know what had happened but he knew he couldn't stand aside and let it continue. It took only a few paces for him to cross the clearing and drop to his knees in front of Legolas. He took him in his arms, pulled his head down to cradle it against his chest.

"Legolas, I have you. All is well, All is well." 

His eyes searched the clearing for any sign of what had caused this grieving, this outpouring of pain but he could see nothing, find nothing. As he held him for a moment Legolas quietened and he felt his body relax leaning in against his own. His breathing slowed. It would be alright he told himself, he would fix this and he poured all his healing energy over his friend. To be able to comfort him in any way lifted his heart from the deep places it had retreated to. How difficult it had been to watch his pain and be unable to offer some physical reassurance.

But the moment of connection did not last, in fact all it achieved was to lull him into a vulnerable position. Too late he noticed Legolas stiffen and felt the struggle within his arms and before he could react to that he was on his back having been on the recieving end of an elbow to the jaw. 

"Legolas!" He cried

But Legolas wasn't listening, in fact he doubted he even saw him. Before he could recover fists rained down upon him and it was all he could do to raise his hands to protect his face. He rolled to the side in an attempt to put some distance between them and struggled to his feet dazed and confused.

"Legolas, it is Aragorn, I will not hurt you." 

Legolas's eyes flashed and he snarled as he advanced towards him crying out to him in Silvan that he struggled to keep track of.

"I will kill you! I will get revenge and you will pay. For Erynion I do this!"

He stumbled back hands out in submission. 

"I am not them Legolas. It was not me that hurt you, I am your friend!"

His blood ran cold when he saw Legolas draw one of his knives, where were the others? Would none of them come?

He knew he was in serious trouble for he could not draw his sword upon his friend, not when he was this distraught, not ever. The first swing he dodged clumbsily although effectively but that was never going to last, Legolas was too fast.

He cried out when he felt the knife slice through his arm and collapsed on the ground grasping at his wounded arm and feeling the blood flow through his fingers. Still Legolas came at him, brandishing his knife. He could not accept he may lose his life now, have it taken by his dearest friend. His soul cried out in grief for he knew Legolas could not survive this. It would kill them both.

"Legolas! Stop this!"

The cry took him as much by surprise as it did Legolas who swung his head around.

Gimli!   
He could have wept in relief and he slumped against the ground as Gimli stepped in between them.  
He could barely breathe. Each breath was like fire out of his lungs. He listened to Gimli plead with Legolas to give up his knife but the words were jumbled and nonsensical in his brain.

"Brother, What has happened?"   
It was Elladan beside him and he leant against him thankful for the support.

"This is my fault." He hissed through the pain.

He watched as Gimli edged closer to Legolas and he saw Legolas's gaze turn to him. He saw the confusion sweep over it as suddenly the realisation hit exactly who it was he had been fighting. 

He heard Legolas's quiet gasp,

"What have I done?" 

And his heart wept for him, for the pain this would cause him, his friend who was already so broken.

He sunk into Elladan, allowed him to provide comfort, his older brother who had been there as long as his memories existed. He did not know what to do, how to fix this, his arm ached, his head throbbed and Legolas.........could they recover from this?

He watched with a numb detachment as Gimli extracted the knife. It all seemed a long, long way away from him, in the far distance. But when Gimli turned placing the knife behind him he saw Legolas staring right at him, eyes wide and frightened. Frightened of him or frightened of himself he did not know. He could see the thoughts flit through those eyes and he knew the exact moment Legolas decided to flee.

"Gimli!" He cried in alarm, for Legolas was now unarmed, wounded and seemingly unstable, they could not afford to lose him in the trees again.

But he was too late and Legolas too fast. He was gone before Gimli even had a chance to turn around.

 

Legolas.

 

When he left Elrohir behind and headed for the woods he did not intend to stay long. He simply wished to clear his head and calm down after the argument and he was sure the trees would provide him the security he needed. It seemed far too long since he had last been amongst them.

But something in the forest seemed wrong, a clash with his fea, discordant and harsh. It worried him. Trees, the woods should not feel like this. The wrongness drove him further and further into the dense foliage. What was it? He needed to find out. Perhaps there was danger here and he should return to the others, warn Aragorn all was not well.

On and on it dragged him, nagging at his senses, he felt he should know what this was. At last he came across a clearing. The warning screamed at him, 'flee, flee' and he almost did but in the end he swallowed his fear and stepped across it. 

With careful eyes he scrutinised his surroundings. To his surprise it was familiar, he felt as though he knew every leaf, every branch there was here but he had no idea why. He stood still and silent struggling with himself to remain. And at last it came back to him, why he knew this place. He had been here before.

He remembered it now, surrounded by men, chained to one of these trees. Memorising the shapes of the leaves above him to sidetrack himself from pain and fear, he would not show those to his captors. As he gazed around he found it, the place Erynion had been held and for a moment it was as if he was still there. Tied with chains, pale and tense his eyes pleading and in the end his voice crying to Legolas to help him. 

He closed his eyes trying to shut out the visions of his friends last moments, the fear and the blood, so much blood. He had died here and he, Legolas, had failed him. He had been lulled into a false sense of security. He had not paid enough attention but had allowed the sea to distract him that day. That was why they had ended up here, that was why Erynion had lain dead at his feet in this very place. He had not been able to save him and the men had killed Erynion to hurt him, to laugh at his pain and watch him break.

The weight of the unspoken guilt he carried was too much and he collapsed beneath it screaming out his pain unto the world. It was as if a dam inside him had broken and all the grief and agony he carried poured out. He could not stop it.

He was unaware of anything except his grief until seemingly from nowhere arms encircled him, a voice whispered words of comfort and he wanted that so badly. He sunk down, down into the embrace and the grief subsided, but not for long. He reached out to touch the fea of the one who held him and it was then that he noticed it, the familiar feel of the one who had whipped him and beaten him, the one who had slaughtered his friend, A Man.

He had failed Erynion before but he would not fail him now, this man would pay. He tensed up and launched out slamming his elbow into the man's jaw to free himself from the now threatening closeness of his arms. Then he could not stop himself, rage burst forth and he attacked. The face of the man who sliced his blade through Erynion's throat danced before him. It had to be him come back to this place, who else?

Again and again he hit out with his fists until the Man rolled away, out of his reach.

"I will kill you," he screamed not bothering to listen to anything the man had to say in return for it would only be poison and lies to torment him. Then he drew his knife and launched out. He would cut this Man's throat as Erynion's had been. Let him feel how it was to have your life blood spill on the ground.

He felt a rush of joy when his blade struck home for he had caused him pain but then as he moved to attack once more a voice cried out, a voice he hadn't expected here.

"Legolas, stop this!"

He turned his head,

"Gimli?"

It made no sense to him, Gimli should not be here, he was in Minas Tirith, he had been riding to meet him when they were captured. He stood, uncertain as Gimli walked in front of the Man. 

"Put down your weapon," Gimli said but he hesitated. Was this a dream, did his mind play tricks on him?

Behind the dwarf the Man spoke,

"This is my fault" he said.

And Legolas looked at him,  
And he saw him.

On the ground, blood pouring from his arm, his face a mess of fresh livid bruising was Aragorn, his friend. The horror of it all exploded into his mind. It was Aragorn he fought, it was Aragorn he had hurt. He could not breathe.

"What have I done?" He gasped.

It was incomprehensible to him, that he could have done this. How did Aragorn get here? Where had the Man gone, the one who killed Erynion? He knew he had been here, he knew it.

"Where has he gone? Did you see him?" He asked Gimli, desperate for him to tell him this wasn't real, that he had misunderstood. Surely it was that Man who had injured Aragorn, not himself. 

But Gimli denied it.   
He began to shake, he felt his world was collapsing around him as he stood there. This could not have happened, he could not have done this. Gimli asked again for his knife. He had forgotten he even held it and now he gazed upon it, shining silver dripping with blood. Aragorns blood spilled by his hand, he could not bear it. 

It felt to him his sanity, his grip on reality was being slowly crushed by the horror of his actions. His heart pounded and he struggled to catch his breath. What should he do? How could he make this go away? It was the Men who had done this too him, the ones who held him in this place. The ones who killed his friend here where he stood. Still they hurt him, still they tormented him. He wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to stop.

He let go of the knife watching it as it fell, light glinting on its edges. It was a beautiful thing, beautiful and terrible. The symbol of his weakness, his betrayal of Aragorn. He dropped to his knees and touched the blood. The blood of his friend covered his hand and tore at his heart. When the knife cut him he didn't feel it. The pain was nothing compared to the agony of his heart but he watched as his blood spilled, mingling with Aragorn's and it felt fitting somehow that he should share in his pain.

Come now Legolas," Gimli said softly, "This will not do. I will have none of this foolishness, we do not need you hurt as well."

But he did want to hurt, he needed it badly to wipe out the damage on his fea.

He lifted his head to look at him

"I did not know," he said, " I did not know it was him."

Gimli had to understand that, he had to let him know it was not Aragorn he had done this too. It was NOT. But he was unsure that he truly understood it although his words were reassuring and if Gimli thought so badly of him......perhaps it was true, there was no coming back from this.

So when Gimli turned away he saw his chance and with a last look at Aragorn's anguished face he ran.

Into the trees, away from his nightmare. As far away as he could get.


	13. Chapter 13

Elrohir

 

He was frozen on the spot as he watched, horrified, his little brother kneel bleeding in front of Legolas, his lover. He knew he should do something but he could not force his muscles to move him from where he stood. Elladan went to Aragorns aid when he could not. The scene played out in front of him as if he was watching a play. Gimli attempting to disarm Legolas, Aragorn slumped on the ground and at the back of his mind a voice whispered, "this is all your fault." For if he had not argued with Legolas, if he had not let him leave them they would not be here. He could not find a way to accept what he was seeing. It was wrong, so very wrong and his mind rejected it. This would not happen.

Finally when Legolas darted away from a distracted Gimli the spell was lifted and his legs allowed him to move forward. He sprinted after him calling out his name, 

"Legolas!"  
 for he did not want to lose him again to the woods. He heard Gimli close behind him. Gimli was not the quietest and branches cracked loudly as he followed in his wake. They were too slow though, far too slow and Legolas vanished early on their pursuit, swinging up into the trees and away from them. The two of them searched for some time more until he admitted defeat. Legolas would not show himself, wherever he was.

"We have lost him," he sighed. "We have no hope of finding him again here." His shoulders slumped in dejection and his misery was mind numbing.

"All is not lost." Gimli replied, " He will return."

He turned to stare at the dwarf sharply.

"How can you say that? He is damaged, broken, we may never..."  
 He broke off abruptly not wishing to put his thoughts into words, for he feared Legolas would not return to them, to him. He was not himself, would he ever be again?

"I say it because I know it," the dwarf said with certainty. "I do not pretend not to see the damage done to his mind. How can I avoid that for it is plain to see but he has harmed Aragorn and he loves him. That will eat at him. He will come back to us, and soon, if only because he will need to ensure himself of Aragorn's wellbeing."

What the dwarf said made sense.

"As a rule I would agree with you," he admitted " But that was not Legolas, in the clearing. It was not the Legolas I know for I would have sworn he would never hurt my brother."

Gimli nodded in agreement,  
"I would have sworn it too. He told me it was not Aragorn he was fighting, he believed someone else was here, someone he thought I could see."

He turned to Gimli in horror.  
"There was no one there! No one but us. He is seeing things now? Ay Legolas, if only I could have helped you!"

Gimli  quietly placed a firm hand on his arm. 

"You have helped him, as much as any of us. Do not think otherwise."

It was with dejection and hopelessness he returned to the clearing. Aragorn raised his head when they entered, his face tense with an unspoken hope.

"Did you find him?"

He shook his head.

"He eluded us."

"He will come back Aragorn, Don't you worry." The dwarf remained firm in his belief Legolas would need to see his friend was well.

Elrohir walked over to where his brother sat holding his injured arm and knelt beside him.  
   
"What happened?" He asked for he needed to know it badly.

Aragorn held out his hands in a gesture of confusion.

"I do not know, he was here, he was distraught. I should have taken more care, been more gentle. I surprised him and then he...." He turned to face him.

"I do not think he saw me. I cannot believe he knew I was there."

He was filled with a sudden compassion for his brother, for whatever the grief he suffered with Aragorn's was so much more. What Legolas had done to him was unthinkable.

He was engulfed by a need to protect him and bent closer, wrapping him in his arms as he had not for years. Memories rushed back of the small child that once was, the times he had given comfort over the years and the love he still felt.

"I am sure he did not my Brother. He would never hurt you. His love goes too deep. It will take more than this to eclipse it."

They were not just trite words of comfort, he meant it. Well he knew of Legolas's devotion to Aragorn and how he had resented it. For that love Legolas had followed his friend to the gulls, for that love did he abide so near to Aragorn and so far away from him, or so he had thought.

 He remembered back years before when he had arrived with the Grey Company to accompany what remained of the Fellowship, Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas. How shocked he had been too meet Legolas for he was not the Elf who had left him in Imladris all those months before. The change in what had been a long but casual friendship with Aragorn to something deeper, for they had seemed as close as brothers, had rankled and he felt Aragorn was taking yet another thing most precious to his heart. How many hours had he wasted raging against it, blaming his brother. How wrong he had been, for Aragorn was not a threat to him and he had always known that. 

It was his fear of the sea longing that had bought him to this he decided. His terror that Legolas would leave him for he could not go with him if he did, he could not leave Arwen .......or Aragorn for that matter. He had been so afraid he had never spoken with Legolas as he should have, frightened of what he might say. He had offered him no comfort and no support, the Dwarf had done that. How ashamed he was now. He had buried his head in the sand and run, holding old resentments close to his heart and for no reason, no reason! 

And now it was Aragorn and Legolas who paid the price.

He stood suddenly, he needed space to think, and moved away from them all to the other side of the clearing. He foot caught in something lying hidden in the grass and he stumbled, almost falling catching himself just in time. He bent down and inspected it, raising it to the light. It was a thin length of chain glinting silver in his hand but covered in rust he thought and yet........he looked closer, wiping it with his hand and gasped for it was not rust but blood that came off it. He looked closer at the ground near his feet, dropping to his knees and pushing the grass aside and there at the base of the tree were ragged pieces of rope, bindings obviously and they too were blood stained. He felt his stomach heave as the icy cold and terrible thought crept into his mind. It could not be, this was miles from where Legolas had been found. He raised his head and saw on the bark of the tree in front of him dark, dark bloodstains the rain had not yet reached to wash away and in the dirt at the base of it, more blood, much more blood. This was the reason for Legolas's violence and his distress.

He staggered to his feet as images crowded into his mind of Legolas as they had found him prone and bleeding, his back torn to shreds, maybe by the very chain he now held. And then Erynion......he remembered the first sight of him as he turned over his body, the head lolling to the side, the gash across the neck, had he died here? He stumbled away from the blood and horror and doubled over as his stomach emptied what was left of his lunch on the ground. 

" Elrohir!"

Elladan cried his name and was at his side even before the vomiting had ended. 

" What ails you? Are you ill?"  
His brother supported him as he stood upright.

"This!" He said, "It is this!" 

He pushed the chain into his brothers hand for he did not want to look at it, could not bear to think of what it symbolised.

Elladan was confused,  
"It is just an old length of chain Elrohir." and he peered at him,   
"Are you injured? Fevered?" and he reached out to feel his forehead.

"No!" he cried, "Can you not see the blood? Do you not understand, Legolas was held here, that is why he attacked Aragorn so. Over there are bindings, blood....." He trailed off, he could not finish for bile rose in his throat once more.

Elladan looked concerned and steadied him with a hand on his shoulder.  
"Elrohir, you jump to conclusions for we have no proof this is anything to do with Legolas. It is a simple chain, that is all. Calm yourself. I know today has distressed you."

Gimli the Dwarf came up to them listening closely, his face tense and stern. 

"You think Legolas was kept here?" He asked him and he reached out to see the chain in Elladans hand. but stopped short of touching it. 

"Yes!" He gasped for he was sure of it. It made sense of it all, what other explanation could there be?

"Then we shall search this place and find the answer. Where did you find this?"   
and when he indicated vaguely towards the nearby trees Gimli was off foraging through the grass in front of them.

"I think you are overwrought Elrohir, I know you have been suffering, you should sit."  
His brother did still not believe him and looked at him with caution and concern.

He moved back, away from him for he would not allow his concerns to be brushed aside and stumbled into Aragorn who had come up behind him to grasp him by the shoulders.

"Elrohir? Is all well?"

He turned and wordlessly he snatched the chain from Elladan's hand holding it up to his younger brothers eyes.

"Chains covered in blood," he said slowly, "bindings of rope and blood stains all around. This is why Legolas attacked you, this is where the damage was done."

And Aragorn took the chain from him, his face as white as Elrohir knew his own was.

"Can it be?" He wondered aloud and he gazed at him,  
"Elrohir, it is so far from where we found him. Perhaps someone else....and he.....it confused him..."

"Aragorn!"

The cry was Gimli's and they all turned to see him not far away holding an object aloft in the air.

Elrohir felt sick to his stomach and thought for a moment he would vomit again. He swayed and it was only Elladan's arms which kept him upright. Beside him Aragorn gasped and let go of the chain as if it burned him, scorching into the skin on his hands.

For it was unmistakeable,what Gimli held for them all to see, it was one end of Legolas's lost bow, and it was broken, the wood shattered and splintered and he felt his heart splinter along with it as the reality of what had been done here to his beloved came crashing down upon him.


	14. Chapter 14

Elrohir  
With the discovery of Legolas's bow Aragorn had ordered his men to search the clearing but he had not taken part. The discoveries made him feel ill, the clearing itself felt wrong and discordant in his mind. He wondered if Legolas had also felt it, and so he left needing to be away from them all though he did not go far and it was easy enough for Elladan to find him when the search was complete.

"We are ready to go Elrohir," he said sitting beside him.  
"We wait for you."

"Go?"  
He was startled at that.  
"We cannot leave, Legolas is not back." 

He pushed himself off the ground feeling the agitation surging through him. Elladan grabbed his arm.

" Estel does not wish to remain in that place, surely you do not also, for we have found......"

He pushed him away. He did not wish to hear what had been found, the memories were bad enough as it was.

"I will speak with him." And he turned his back on his brother and left.

Aragorn was surrounded by his men when he returned. His face pale and drawn and he was suddenly reminded that he had been injured.

"Aragorn," he stood in front of him " We can not leave here. Did you not hear Gimli? Legolas will return."

Aragorn sighed in reply.  
" I cannot stay here Elrohir, not knowing what was done here, the men feel it also, You could not even bring yourself to remain while we searched and yet you question me in this ?"

If he was honest with himself he did not wish to remain there one minute longer but he knew they must.

"He will not come back here," Aragorn continued, " Here of all places he will stay away from. We will return to where we stopped to rest and he will find us there quickly enough. It is Legolas remember and we are not the most discrete," he waved his arm to indicate his men. "It will be easy for him to track us."

"You do not understand." Anxiety crawled in his belly, he had to convince Aragorn of what he was certain would be true.

" He will come back to see you, to reassure himself, and if we are not here......he will think we have abandoned him! He will not look for us, instead he will believe you can no longer accept him!"

" He knows I will NEVER abandon him." Aragorn snapped back.

" Please Estel," he pleaded, "I do not mean to suggest you would or that he does not know that, but he is not logical, he is not himself, you know this. If you cannot...your men cannot stay here I will. I will wait for him here, he is more likely to approach me anyway but someone must wait for him."

"You will not do that!" It was Elladan who spoke.  
" He is not safe, you will not wait here alone."

" I am in no danger from Legolas." He was certain of that, but Elladan was not.

"How can you say that?" And he reached out towards the fading bruise on his jaw.  
"He has already hurt you, and look at our brother, if Gimli had not come what would have become of him? Legolas can not be trusted."

"Then I will stay also." It was Gimli, his voice low and somehow reassuring.  
"The two of us will remain here together. Do not suggest Legolas will do harm to me for he will not." And his tone allowed there to be no argument in that point.   
Gimli turned to Aragorn.

" Perhaps you are right and he will not be able to bring himself to return here, but if he does Aragorn, If he does come back and we are no longer here......... He will not take that well. You know this."

He could tell the very moment his brother decided to acquiesce.  
" Very well." He agreed and he raised his hand to silence Elladans vocal protests.   
"But you will not be alone with him, either of you. Not until you are certain of his state of mind, and even then......."

" We will not leave each other's sides, you can be certain of that." Gimli affirmed and in truth Elrohir was glad for he did not want to remain there by himself as much as he had argued for it. 

When all had departed and the shadows fell he began to regret his decision. The feeling in the clearing was eerie and his nerves were alight with tension. Still somehow he knew it was important he be there so stay he would. 

Gimli prodded the fire in front of them silently. He had said little at all since they had been left on their own but Elrohir was beyond grateful for his company. He sighed as he thought aloud,

"There is no sign of him, perhaps Aragorn is right and this is a fools mission. Why would he return here?"

"He will come." Gimli was still determined. "He does not know we realise the importance of this place, he will come here to see Aragorn, I am sure of it. It will be hard but he will do it."

They returned to moodily staring at the fire, he wondered at the orange flames as they danced before his eyes throwing beacons of light across the grass. He found himself mesmerised by their movement and then as his mind wandered he felt it, on the edge of his consciousness, a familiar presence reaching out to him. He turned to Gimli and said as quietly as he was able,

"He is here." 

Then he stood and walked into the centre of the clearing lifting his head and peering into the darkness of the canopy of leaves above him but although the feeling of Legolas was still there near him he could see nothing. He picked up one of the torches they had placed nearby.

"I am going for a walk." His voice rang clear in the night air.  
Gimli looked up in surprise.

"Wait now. I promised Aragorn we would not be separated!"

He gave Gimli a knowing smile.  
"He will never know, I go just beyond the trees there, you can hear me easily enough if I call."

Gimli frowned then nodded slowly,  
"Well see you do. I will come looking before too long."

He walked slowly from the clearing, the torch lighting his way while casting long shadows beside him. He was only a few paces beyond the trees when he stopped and waited, waited for Legolas to come to him as he knew he would. He did not have to wait long when a dark shape dropped out of the trees in front of him and stood, silently.  
He lifted the torch to light it and there was his beloved, wild and untamed before him.

He smiled as a burst of love rushed through him.

"Legolas."

Then he said no more. He would let Legolas do the talking.  
When he spoke his voice was tight with nerves.

" Where is Aragorn?"   
His lean body quivered with tension as he stood muscles clenched and ready to flee.

"He waits at the camp, Legolas. Where we stopped for rest. He is well."

Legolas face crumpled before his eyes.

"It is as I thought, he wishes to be gone from me. I do not blame him.....what I have done was....how can he forgive it?"

"He wishes for nothing but to see you Legolas. He sees nothing to forgive. You have done him no wrong. He knows it was not him you saw in front of you."

Legolas stared at him, eyes wide.  
"I was lost in memory."

"I know, we know." He took a deep breath for the next was hard to say.  
"We know what happened.......there...." He gestured towards the clearing. "We understand, I found...." And the ability to speak deserted him. He could not bring himself to talk of the chains, the rope and the blood. Instead he returned to the safer subject of his brother.

"Come with me Legolas, Gimli is here waiting, come with us back to the camp. Aragorn needs to see you."

But Legolas frowned and shook his head,  
" I cannot, I cannot face him. I cannot......I just.....needed to know he was well."

He looked at Legolas as he stood there, he was too thin, his eyes dull, lacking their usual brightness and life. The anxiety flowed off him in waves and he saw also the bloodied hand, caused by his own knife.

"He will be better once he sees you." He said with certainty and he held out his hand.   
"Come with me, you are hurt. Let us heal you." 

But Legolas backed away and a jolt of fear ran through him, he had pushed too far, too fast, what if he ran again? And Legolas saw it.

" You fear me!"

" I do not!" He denied it vehemently.

" Do not deny it, I see it in your eyes and why would you not for I have hurt you. Do you think me mad?"

" I do not fear you. I fear..." He hesitated for this was a subject they had never discussed.  
" I fear that you will leave me."

Legolas did not move, he stood and appraised him, his eyes glinting strangely in the torchlight and when he spoke his words were cool and emotionless.

"Aragorn spoke to me of that and I told him you knew I would not, that I could never leave you. It seems that I was wrong. You doubt my love for you."

"No!" He cried and it was almost a sob. "You do not understand, I do not doubt you. I have never doubted that you love me, but I cannot see why. It is myself I doubt."

Legolas tilted his head and watched him carefully creasing his face into a frown. 

"What cause do you have to doubt yourself? You do not love me in return? Now you chose to tell me this?"

He felt the breath squeeze out of him as if a vice tightened around his chest and he knew tears were running down his cheeks. The stress and emotional turmoil of the last weeks spilled out and he could not restrain it.

"I am not worthy of you," he gasped "What have I to offer you? Why do you love me Legolas? I am afraid one day you will realise I am not worth this...... I am a fraud, Elladan is the healer, the wise one.....what am I?"

He broke the eye contact and looked away in shame struggling to compose himself and stop the tears when he felt the softest whisper of a touch upon his face as Legolas reached out gently to wipe them away for him.

" I have told you before, Do you not remember?" 

He turned back to look at Legolas and saw the faintest ghost of a smile flit across his face. So faint, so brief he wondered if it was an illusion.

"Elladan is boring." Legolas cupped his face in his hands " I prefer you." 

He dared not move, this was the closest they had been and he did not want to break this spell.

"I remember." His voice was little more than a whisper, and he did, he did remember that. 

A breeze touched his face trailing his hair across his eyes and Legolas raised a hand to brush it back.

"Why can you not see what I see when I look at you Elrohir?"

He did not know.

"What is it you see?" He said softly, for surely it could be no mystery. He was what he was.

Legolas smiled and this time it was a true smile, His eyes shone as they had not for so long he felt he had almost forgotten their beauty.

"I see a man of honour, one who is beautiful, strong with more value to me than any other. I see love." He paused and his breath caught in his throat.   
"I see so much, it is easier Elrohir to speak of what I am missing when you are not here. When life has no light and the song is dimmed and my heart aches with a pain that cannot be cured until you are with me." 

And suddenly he withdrew his hands and Elrohir sighed at the loss of them.

"Do not tell me you have no worth. Do not say that again for there is nothing that could be further from true. I will not listen to that."

Elrohir let out a slow ragged breath as the tightness of his chest loosened. The loss of touch tore at him for it had been so long and he needed it terribly. He staggered slightly with an odd feeling that his legs would not hold him upright for with Legolas's withdrawal he felt bereft and the tears began to fall again. How weak he was, to be so out of control, but he was so very tired.

"Elrohir?"

Legolas was staring at him closely, standing away from him, hands loosely at his side and the thought of him, so close and yet so apart broke him. A wave of intense grief washed over him for he was so alone, his skin icy cold where moments before Legolas's touch had warmed it. He needed that back, he needed it, a burning need that consumed him. 

His breath came in gasps as he struggled to control it and the weight of his grief pressed him down into the ground as his legs folded beneath him with the pain of it. 

"Legolas." He gave an agonised cry, " Don't leave."

Because he had, for all of his words of love, his vow that he would not go, he had bought them together and withdrawn once again and this time it was too much for him. This time he could not simply turn his head and weather the blow.

"I need you," he whispered, "I need you." And he wrapped his arms around himself, bent his head to hide the tears.

Then Legolas was on his knees beside him, and Legolas's arms surrounded him pulling him close. It was something he had believed he may never feel again, and Legolas held him tight and whispered,

"I am here, I am here."


	15. Chapter 15

Legolas

It took more strength than he knew he had to return to the clearing but in the end he was driven there by an overwhelming need to see Aragorn. He could not just walk away from what he had done. He had to see the damage for himself . A cold chill descended upon him when he got there for the clearing appeared abandoned. Certainly Aragorn was not there. He had left him! Yet he had been sure Aragorn would not leave him in the forest alone, had they been forced to depart? Was Aragorn more seriously injured than he had realised? A thrill of terror ran through him with the thought.

 He noticed then the two figures on the edge of the clearing huddled miserably in front of a lacklustre fire. Elrohir and Gimli, of course they would wait for him. He pressed himself flat amongst the leaves that surrounded him and watched, silently waiting as he decided what he should do. He was afraid to approach them, afraid of the disgust he was sure he would seem in their eyes but eventually he couldn't resist and he reached out gingerly with his mind gently touching the fea of his beloved, tensing himself in preparation for the anger he was sure would dwell there. Instead it was despair he felt and it startled him for he did not want Elrohir to be without hope and he reached again, more definate this time and was rewarded when he saw him stand and move towards the centre of the clearing.

He watched as Elrohir lifted his eyes to the canopy above him. Almost for a second he looked right at him and the moonlight fell upon his upturned face making it shine with a luminosity that filled him with awe, beautiful and majestic as he always was. It took his breath away, that beauty and his heart swelled with love at the sight of him.

When Elrohir left the clearing he followed him because of course that was what he wanted and dropped carefully to the ground in front of him. He forced himself to look into his eyes, to see the repulsion, the disappointment which surely must be there. 

"Legolas!" Elrohir cried and to his surprise all he saw on his face was love. It made him uneasy and he did not trust it for who could love him now after what he had done? 

He didn't want to be the one to speak, he wanted to wait for Elrohir to break the ice but his tension and fear for Aragorn overwhelmed him,

"Where is Aragorn?" He asked, frightened, terrified of what the answer may be. 

"He waits at the camp, Legolas. Where we stopped for rest. He is well."

It was true then, Aragorn had left him. He was returning to Minas Tirith without him. It tore at his heart but he couldn't blame him.

He listened as Elrohir pleaded with him to come back to the camp but he couldn't do that, he couldn't face it. What would he say? Elrohir said they understood, they knew what had happened there but how could they possibly understand it? 

" I cannot," he said in answer to his pleading, "I cannot face him. I cannot......I just.....needed to know he was well."

When Elrohir reached out to him he backed away, out of habit as much as anything. It was ingrained in him now to avoid touch. He saw the flash of fear that rippled across Elrohir's eyes and challenged him on it. It horrified him, Elrohir, his lover was afraid of him.  
When he denied it he did not believe him.

"Do you think I am mad?" He asked

" I do not fear you, I fear that you will leave me." Elrohir said in justification and that hurt for he had told Aragorn before they left Minas Tirith it was not true. He had been certain Elrohir  understood his feelings, he had told him often enough he could never leave him, never survive without him. Why didn't he listen?

He watched almost numbly as Elrohir tried to explain himself. But inside he was angry. How could he not know? It frustrated him how hard it was to ensure Elrohir understood his love for him. No matter what he did, he doubted. 

But when the tears began to fall he was aghast. Elrohir was strong, he did not break like this. He felt the walls of glass that encased him bend and warp as he reached through them to wipe away the tears, to clasp his beloved's face in his hands. 

" I have told you before," he said gently, "Do you not remember?"   
They had had this conversation years ago and although that memory was mired in pain and confusion he had not forgotten and never would for it was the moment he realised his heart was no longer his to own, but belonged to the man in front of him.

"Elladan is boring. I prefer you." 

He had always known Elrohir felt he was somehow lacking but he could not find a way to get him to understand how untrue that belief was. 

"Why can you not see what I see when I look at you Elrohir?"

He tried again to tell him. He spoke of love and the loss he felt when they were apart but then suddenly it dawned on him how physically close they were, and it frightened him. The walls began to shut down around him again and he pulled back, taking his touch away.

And Elrohir crumpled. 

He fell to the ground folding in on himself and the tears resumed, streaming down his face.

" Legolas." He cried, " Don't leave. I need you, I need you." 

His heart constricted and he stood in turmoil. He could not watch this pain any longer for it was tormenting him. The walls around him bent further and further, so thin they were now, like paper, and he pushed through them. He could almost hear the cracks of noise as they splintered into pieces around him and he finally destroyed them.

And then he was there, holding him.

"I am here" he murmured and the restlessness within him that he lived with every day melted away. For years he had no longer had a place he could call home and yet he felt now as if he had finally found one.

"I have no wish to interrupt whatever it is you two are up to but Elrohir, you have been gone from me for too long and I do not want to return to Aragorn saying I have mislaid you."

He looked up in shock straight into the eyes of Gimli standing above him his arms firmly crossed.

"Legolas, I am pleased to see you have come to your senses." Gimli smiled at him, there was no sign of rejection in those eyes either.  
"Now, since you have finally decided to come back, let us go from this wretched place. There are warm tents and food waiting for us."

He withdrew his arms from Elrohir and sat back on his heels. When he began to speak an unexpected lump in his throat made his voice sound tense and thin.

"I can't go there."   
He quailed at the thought. They would look at him, judge him and find him lacking and so they should. As for Aragorn, how could he possibly wish anything to do with him. He could not bring himself to face what could only be the destruction of their friendship.

"What do you plan to do Legolas?" Gimli asked him, "Never see him again? Spend the rest of his life away from him? You will not manage that. You need to do this, there is nothing there for you to fear," he went on gently, "Aragorn feels nothing but love for you. This has made no difference to him."

"It has to me," he said "I can't forget it, it changes everything."

Elrohir leant forward and clasped his hands in his own firmly. The touch was comforting not distressing and he rejoiced in that at least.

"You are Legolas Thranduilion. You do not run from things that challenge you. You fight! This is not the Legolas I know who speaks now."

"Perhaps it is the Legolas I have become." He wondered if he would ever be the person he once was again. 

Elrohir leaned closer, his breath warm on his face.

"Do not let them take this from you. Do not let them destroy something as precious as your friendship with Aragorn, for then you let them win. You ARE still Legolas, you will not be beaten by them. I know this."

He looked down at their hands entwined and thought on his words. He could not bear the thought of losing Aragorn but what if he had already lost him? How could things ever be the same between them? But he discovered Elrohir was right, he did want to fight. He did not wish to let the Men win, he did not want to sacrifice anything because of them. Still he hesitated.

"I will be there with you." Elrohir said firmly and he felt his love enfold him.  
 "We will do this together Legolas, we will fight them together." Elrohir stood, took his hand and pulled him to his feet.

"You can do this. With my help you can do it." And he was so convincing he felt himself beginning to believe him.  
Elrohir smiled, it was a smile which dazzled him with its beauty and lifted his heart with the joy of being with him.

"Remember Legolas, You are not alone." 

The camp was in darkness as they returned but there were men on watch, guards who stared at him as they entered with cold hard looks. He imagined he saw hatred and distrust in their eyes and he turned his face from them. It reminded him of the way his captors had sneered at him in disgust. Had it not been for Elrohir steadfastly at his side, his arm across his shoulders holding him up he could not have continued on. 

When they arrived at Aragorn's tent a guard barred the entrance which momentarily surprised him, but then he remembered, their king had been attacked, and he was the attacker.   
The man stared at him and then stepped out to address Elrohir.

"The King is sleeping."

"I wish an audience with my  
Brother. He will see us." He could hear the tension in Elrohir's voice. Had he not expected this? 

The man determinedly ignored his request.

"I can not permit the elf to enter my Lord. I cannot trust him with my  
King. It is not safe."

"It is perfectly safe." Elrohir snapped, his voice rising in anger.   
"I will be with him. I vouch for your Kings safety!"

The guard shook his head and he could feel the rage surging within Elrohir. He did not want this to turn in to an aggressive confrontation. He did not want Elrohir to do something he would regret for his sake. Did he not deserve to be treated with caution after all? The guard was right. He was guilty of it all.

He turned to Elrohir,

"I will go elsewhere, nearby," he indicted the line of trees beside them. "I can sleep there."

"You will not!" Elrohir would have none of it and turned back to the guard.

"And YOU will let us past. I order it." He was shouting now and the noise had obviously risen to a level that disturbed those who were sleeping. 

The tent flap drew back and Aragorn appeared looking tired and dishevelled. He unobtrusively swept his eyes over his friend and noted the stark bruises on the pale face and his stomach churned with guilt. He dared not catch his eye, did not wish to see what feelings might be hiding there so averted his gaze. 

He did not see Aragorns face light up at the sight of him but he felt him clasp Elrohir on the shoulder.

"Elrohir, you have found him!"

Elrohirs face was like thunder. He radiated tension.

"Your guard would not allow us entry." He snapped 

Aragorn sighed and rubbed his head with his uninjured arm. Turning to face the guard he raised an eyebrow. 

" He attacked you my Lord. I can not just allow him to walk into your tent."

" HE is Legolas and he is no threat to me."

" My Lord, I must disagree."

Legolas felt sick. They saw him as a criminal, and worst of all he could not blame them.

Aragorn moved to one side and held open the entrance flap.

 "Come in Legolas."

He hesitated, throwing an uncertain glance at the guard who opened his mouth to protest but Aragorn raised his hand to silence him.

" My Brother and Gimli are with us. I am perfectly safe. I will call if I need you."  
His tone was terse and he would not be argued with. The guard stepped aside but the look he threw Legolas was a hostile one.  
Aragorn however smiled gently at him.

"Forgive me this rudeness my friend for I am filled with joy to see you."

And he held out his hand in welcome.  It was more than he had expected, more than he had hoped for and briefly relief surged within him and he stepped into the tent.

And away from the hostility of Aragorn's people.


	16. Chapter 16

Aragorn.

Legolas sat on the bedroll before him his eyes averted, Elrohir beside him, his arm supporting him and he saw with interest the way his friend leaned into that touch. That was different, had there been a change? An improvement perhaps? How he hoped so.

He knelt down to their level.

"Legolas, it is so good to see you." 

It was heartfelt.

Legolas continued to avoid his gaze, it was as if he didn't wish to see him, wished to pretend he was not there. Whatever had changed between Legolas and Elrohir it was clear nothing had improved where he was concerned.

An awkward silence descended as Legolas did not reply and he didn't know what to say next. He was not used to feeling so at sea when communicating with his friend. He took a deep breath and continued, obviously he would have to do the talking.

"I - "

But Legolas took that exact moment to finally answer him,

" Forgive me please, I am sorry......you cannot know how much." His heart lurched at the desperation in that voice. 

"Legolas, you are the one who has been wronged.....by my people. I know what happened there, I understand your reaction. I hold nothing against you. You do not need forgiveness. Not from me."

"I do. I do need it, please, I cannot live with this as it is." 

He was horrified at that, he wished to hold him, to comfort, but was wary of attempting it. What else could he say?

"If it is something you need to hear......then I give it, I will offer you forgiveness unreservedly."

"Your people will not forgive me."

He frowned at that for it was most likely a correct assessment. His people were wary of the Firstborn still and this would not have helped.

"Do they matter Legolas? It is you and I surely that are important. Not my people, who need to apologise to you in truth." 

In reply he received a sigh, deep and melancholy. 

Elrohir leaned forward and he felt his increasing anger which was barely controlled. His brother was not happy with the reception they had received that was obvious.

"He is injured, can you care for it Estel? Or shall I fetch Elladan?" 

There was a burst of joy within him at the sound of his childhood name falling from the lips of this brother who had long abandoned its use.

"No! Not Elladan."   
Legolas's response was swift and he wondered at it for in Minas Tirth, once Legolas had regained his memories, Elladan had been the only one he would allow to tend his wounds, not the other healers and certainly not him.

" Let me see."

He took the bloodied hand gingerly expecting resistance but met none, not even a flinch and that gave him hope. Peeling away the cloth which covered the wound he saw it would take more than Legolas's elven healing to repair this. 

" I need to stitch this Legolas, will you allow that?" 

Every interaction with his friend was full of tension and the anxiety of pushing him too far. It wore him out and he disliked intensely the feeling of having to tread so carefully with Legolas.

He received a silent nod in reply and moved to collect what tools he needed. Behind him he heard Gimli, who had been unusually silent, speak.

"Now let that be a lesson to you Legolas, You should not be handling sharp knives when you are burdened with such clumsiness!" 

He smiled at that, Gimli was an expert at cajoling Legolas into lightness, and when he turned he saw a matching smile flit across Legolas's face ever so briefly. His heart was in his mouth for he could not remember the last time he had seen Legolas smile. He had not realised how much he had missed it.

He worked in silence, quietly stitching the wound and gently wrapping it, relieved to be hiding it from his sight because the self inflicted nature of it disturbed him. He looked up as he finished and for a second met Legolas's gaze before he turned his head away. He saw the exhaustion starkly written on his face and feeling daring after the ease with which his healing had been accepted he reached out and gently tilted the face of his friend back towards him.

" When did you last sleep?" He asked, "or eat?"

It was Elrohir who answered him.

"Is there a tent for us to rest in?" 

"I thought you would be with Elladan,"  
Perhaps he had been wrong to presume that but before now Legolas had tolerated no one but Gimli and he had not imagined that would change. 

"There is a tent for Legolas and Gimli, all your belongings are there."

All of them that is except the newly discovered broken bow which he had kept with himself until he knew more about Legolas's state of mind. He was still unsure how the elf would react to that.

"Well" Gimli huffed rather uncomfortably,"I think I may wish for a night free of the elf, Aragorn. Perhaps you could accommodate me here and your brother could have the onerous task of keeping him in one place tonight?" 

He almost laughed aloud at that, if Gimli had decided Elrohir and Legolas could do with time together tonight he would be happy to oblige, even though it would mean getting little sleep himself for Gimli's snoring was legendary. How Legolas got any sleep at all was beyond him, although the fact Legolas could actually sleep while walking if he wished may have something to do with it.

"Of course Gimli, my tent is yours."

Gimli stood and hauled Legolas rather unceremoniously up with him.

"Come then Lad, if you are uprooting me from my own bed the least you can do is help me retrieve my belongings."

"I am not-"

It was a hopeless protest, and despite Legolas throwing Elrohir a pleading look as they exited Gimli was determined.

He turned to his brother as they left,

"He seems somewhat.........better?"

Elrohir met his gaze and his face softened,

"Yes, we have found each other again I think. But he is burdened and full of remorse over this...." Elrohir waved his hand towards his injured arm.  
"I fear for him and there is something else......I sense but I cannot quite...." He trailed off deep in thought.

"I will do my best Elrohir, You know I do not hold this against him. I do not know what else I can do."

Elrohir's face clouded over,  
"Your guard did not help. What was that?" He snapped angrily.

"Elrohir," he sighed," He was simply doing his job. He had no other option."

"He dared to suggest you were not safe with him, with us!"

"Perhaps he was right to think that Elrohir, it was a reasonable conclusion to make-"

Elrohir's eyes flashed with his pent up rage and his voice became only slightly less than a shout.

"Reasonable? You said you did not hold this against him yet you defend your people who treat him as a criminal. YOUR people who did this to him in the first place! How can you -"

" Stop, Elrohir."

The both of them swung around, Elrohir in mid sentance. It was Legolas who spoke, standing awkwardly in the entrance of the tent his hands full of Gimli's assorted belongings.

"Please stop, I do not want this."

"I was-"

"No." Legolas was firm, "Aragorn is right. I AM a criminal, I deserve their disdain. I don't....I don't want you to argue over me."

He leapt forward from where he stood, clasping Legolas's arm. 

"I did not mean that Legolas, I did not say it. That is not how I see you."

"It is alright. Aragorn." Legolas shrugged him off. "I know what I have done. I do not defend it."   
Depositing Gimli's things on the bed he turned to depart.  
"Elrohir, will you come with me?"

"Yes.....wait Legolas!"

Elrohir leapt after him   
And the glare he sent in his direction as he left was a furious one.

 

Elrohir.

He barely avoided colliding with a startled Gimli as he exited the tent and caught up with Legolas in a couple of strides. He could feel the guards hostile eyes burning into his back as they walked and he knew by the way Legolas flinched his shoulders that he could feel them too. He felt as though he was in enemy territory, despised and reviled and it caused a dark rage to flare deep within him. How dare they? How dare they look upon his beautiful, generous, damaged lover with such judgement when they were the ones who had erred.

He struggled to suppress the rage forcing it down deep inside. He had enough control to realise displaying that now would not help Legolas, would not do anything to maintain the fragile new connection they had forged. He remembered his words to Legolas earlier. They would fight this together, and he threw his arm around him drawing him into his side in a tender embrace. 

"I love you," he whispered.  
"They do not matter, none of this matters, let them think what they will. We have each other, we will endure beyond all this."  
And he bent and placed a kiss on top of the head resting on his shoulder. Normally they were discrete with their relationship when amongst Men who did not understand and barely tolerated it but at this moment he could not be bothered tiptoeing around these Men's sensibilities. Let it upset them, he did not care.

They reached the tent and Legolas stumbled towards the bed still saying nothing. He sat and began to undress. His eyes were dark and hollow and he could tell he had reached the end of his endurance. As Aragorn had before him he wondered exactly when he had last had any sleep.

He hesitated unsure exactly how close Legolas wished him to be now. And Legolas looked up, his face anxious.

"I am sorry I spoke harshly."

He frowned in reply.  
"Aragorn did not support you as he should. It is his people who are at fault here not you, Why does he not see that?"

Legolas smiled sadly,  
"He is a King, what choice does he have really Elrohir? Sometimes duty to your people must come before your own desires. I understand that even if you cannot.  I have watched my Father struggle with it often." 

He was offended.  
"I understand duty. Do you think I am completely irresponsible? I know that is said about me. I know people think Elladan bears the burden of the responsibility of Imladris while I avoid it. It is not true! Do you think I don't support him? Do you think he could do it without me? Do you think I don't wish.....I don't wish to be here with you rather than there?"   
Emotion got the better of him and he stumbled into silence.

Legolas held him in a long stare but then his shoulders slumped and he reached out his hand as he smiled sadly.

"This is something we must discuss," he murmured softly, "But not now. I am so tired Elrohir, will you come here, next to me."

Awkwardly he did as he was bid and sat but he was ill at ease. He did not know what was expected, what was wished for from him. 

Legolas gazed at him, he felt his eyes sweep over his face as if he was memorising every detail.  
" I have missed you, I have missed your touch Elrohir. Even when I could not bear it I yearned for it. You have no idea how much." 

He felt the tangle of emotion within him loosen slightly and he smiled uncertainly.

"And now? Can you bear it now?"

"Yes. I need it."

And Legolas slumped against him as if he no longer had the strength to remain upright on his own accord. He embraced him gently, and love surged within him, he reached out with his mind to encompass Legolas with the love he felt and was rewarded with an acceptance, an opening of his mind to him. 

"Ah Legolas, I have been too long apart from you, I have missed this too, so much."

But he received no reply, none but the steady breathing of his lover for Legolas, relaxed and encircled with his love, was already asleep.

 


	17. Chapter 17

Legolas.

 

He awoke to the light of the mid morning sun shining through the fabric of the tent and across his eyes. He lay there basking in the warmth of the sunlight that caressed his face like a golden kiss. He felt rested and alive. Sitting up he realised he was alone. Elrohir had departed long ago he surmised for the sun was high in the sky and he must have overslept by some considerable time.

He reached for his clothes folded neatly beside the bed. He could not remember doing that, and assumed it could only be the work of his beloved. It was then that he heard for the first time the sound of raised voices outside the tent, or perhaps that was what had woken him in the first place and it had not been the sun?

"You are a fool brother!"

That was Elladan, he knew, he waited to hear more. Which brother was it Elladan was so frustrated with?

"You know nothing about this Elladan. Nothing! Do not presume to try and tell me how to live my life."

Ah, Elrohir then and he was furious. He knew he should go out and let them know he was awake, that they had an audience but something held him back. Curiosity perhaps? 

"I cannot believe you were so foolhardy as to be alone with him. You promised Aragorn you would not. You promised you and Gimli would stay together."

A cold wave swept over him for he realised they were arguing about him. Elladan didn't trust him. Aragorn obviously hadn't trusted him either, no matter what he had said the previous night. He felt the panic build inside him and tried to slow his now rapid breathing.

"Aragorn knew we were here alone. He was happy for Gimli not to be here, he encouraged it! He saw no danger from Legolas. I was completely safe."

"Then Aragorn is a fool also and I shall tell him so. Safe? How can you say that? How can either of you say that? He has hurt you once already........and Aragorn......I do not wish to think what would have happened if Gimli had not arrived when he did!"

He felt sick because Elladan was right. Had Gimli not turned up, unless Aragorn had defended himself, he could have killed him, he wanted to kill him. He shut his eyes as the room began to swim before him and he was engulfed by a wave of nausea at the thought of how close that came to being his reality.

"That didn't happen. It would not have happened. Legolas would no more attack Aragorn than you would. He is himself now, it was that place." 

"and when he went after you? When he knocked you to the ground....unconscious? In Arwen's garden where he was perfectly secure."

"That was MY fault!"

"Elrohir, you kid yourself. What will the next trigger be? What will you do then when he takes you by surprise because something unknown has caused memories to resurface?"

Inside the tent he pulled himself to his feet and threw on his shirt. He had heard enough. Briefly he though of simply leaving them all behind, going away and then Elrohir would be safe and Aragorn's problems with his people's antagonism towards him would be solved. It would be easier for all of them. But he had tried running away and it had not worked. He had no choice but to face this. Taking a deep breath he walked out into the open.

Elrohir and Elladan both, swung around when he exited the tent. They had sensed he was there. 

"Legolas, did we wake you?" Elrohir moved towards him. 

" I have been awake for some time."   
He said pointedly and was rewarded with a flush of embarrassment on Elladan's face.

"Legolas.......I meant no insult-"

"You meant no insult but you think me completely mad to the point you do not trust me with your loved ones?"

"I -" 

"Forget it Elladan,"   
and he held up his hand to indicate he would not listen to more.

"Probably you are right of course and I have a secret deep-seated need to rid you of both your brothers."  
The sarcasm spilled out of him before he even thought about it. His problems with Elladan dated back years and he did not have the strength required for him to turn the other cheek to this now.  
And Elladan, unusually, responded in kind.

"What do you expect Legolas? I have spent too much time in the last few days repairing my brothers after their encounters with you. Do you think I should stand back, hold my tongue and watch it happen again?"

It was Elrohir who answered that with a raging fury that surprised him, never before had he put himself in a position where the brothers could argue over him always fearing he would lose any choice Elrohir might have to make between himself and Elladan.

" Stop it! Stop it Elladan. You suggest I cannot even sleep with my Lover? Shall I start policing you and Glorfindel now? You understand nothing and this is not your affair. It is not!" 

When Elladan responded with an equal fury and advanced on his brother Legolas backed away. All of sudden he feared the brothers might come to blows. It seemed he was not the only one for Aragorn appeared, from where he did not know, running, his face a picture of annoyance and frustration and placed himself between them. 

"What are you doing?" He hissed, "I do not expect to have to separate you like squabbling children. What do you suppose my men think of the two of you?" 

" He insults Legolas," Elrohir protested."He is as bad as them. He calls you a fool too for trusting him." 

As Aragorn swung his gaze towards his other brother it glanced over him and he ducked his head. He had never imagined being at the centre of a storm like this. 

He watched stunned as Aragorn turned on Elladan and launched into a stream of angry Sindarin  
" I am no fool. I tell you Legolas is no threat to me and you will respect that. I will hear no more of this. I expect this from them," he gestured to the astonished crowd of men watching, "but I do NOT expect it from you. Nor will I tolerate it. Do you understand?" 

Before Elladan had a chance to reply he turned again to Elrohir.

"And you! What are you doing? I do not need you shouting the details of your love affair to all and sundry. Legolas has enough problems with these men as it is. Do you think he needs you giving them more reason to distrust him? " 

He felt his cheeks flame at that, would they not stop? Would none of this ever stop? Elrohir and Elladan were both now shouting at Aragorn in a mess of equally angry words.  He could not cope with it and the three of them seemed completely oblivious to his presence so he slipped away as best he could. He could see nothing to do that would not only serve to antagonise them all even further.

He edged away and wandered towards the outskirts of the camp. The noise of the argument following after him. He felt the looks of disdain from the Men prick through his skin like hot needles. None of them trusted him he thought, even Aragorn. A small creek bordered the camp like a thin lenght of blue ribbon and it was by this he sat and contemplated the disasterous situation he found himself in, morosely throwing pebbles into the water, listening to the satisfying plop as they sunk. Strangely it calmed him.

" Well they are ensuring we all know about their differences even if we can't understand every word they say."

He looked up sharply, it was Gimli who approached him, he was glad of that.

"It is because of me."   
His shoulders slumped in despair.

" You are wrong there Lad. They argue over you but it has very little to do with you I think, it is certainly no fault of yours. They should all know better!" Gimli looked at his most displeased.

He sighed, for a moment it all overwhelmed him.

"Will it ever stop Gimli?"

"Ah, they will eventually run out of steam I imagine."

"No," he turned to his friend,  
"I mean all of this," he gestured outwards, "This mess, everything is wrong. Nothing is the same,"

Gimli patted him rather ineffectually on the arm in an attempt to console.

"Things will improve. Already they are better, you are better."

"Better?" He was incredulous. "They are at each other's throats...... Aragorn's people believe me an enemy, even he doesn't trust me, and perhaps he is right, perhaps Elladan is right." He dropped his head to rest in his hands.  
"This is all my fault."

Gimli leaned forward in concern,  
"It is not your fault Legolas, you are the one who has been wronged. This is anyone's fault but yours."

The guilt that haunted him day and night, that he had not spoken of before now exploded within him and he was consumed by it, it weighed him  
down and suffocated him with its pain.

"I cannot bear this guilt Gimli" he cried "It destroys me, What do I do? How do I stop it?"

"What guilt? If you speak of you and Aragorn, he has forgiven you not that he ever needed to in the first place."

And then it all spilled out of him, words tumbling over themselves into a tangled mess. All that he had so far hidden he laid open to his friend in a desperate need to ease his pain. 

" It is my fault we were taken. I should have known, I should have sensed....something. I am the one familiar with mortals, the one who should have noticed they were not as they appeared." He gulped for a breath of air.  
" The sea...... it was bad that day. I allowed myself to be distracted, I was not myself and Erynion paid the price for my inattentiveness. I may as well have killed him myself. He haunts me Gimli, and I know......it was all down to me."

When he stopped because he had run out of words he noticed Gimli glance somewhere behind him and he swung himself around to see Aragorn looking down on him. It had to be Aragorn, he did not want him of all people to know of his failure and he cringed.

"Legolas,"   
Aragorn was solemn and his eyes sad. He dropped down to sit along side him and Gimli.

"I came to apologise for myself and my Brothers. That was unacceptable. I can only say we have all been under stress but that does not excuse us."

"Where are they?" He craned his head around Aragorn searching for Elrohir but he was not there.

" I have told them to carry on their argument elsewhere where they will not be in danger of involving the rest of us since they are not ready to cease it. I had forgotten how formidable their disputes can be." He smiled gently at him then,  
" but I am sure you have seen many of them before."

" I try not to place myself in the middle of them" he replied " I usually ensure I am elsewhere."

Aragorn looked at him intently,  
" You must let go of this."

He knew what he meant but he stubbornly did not wish to make things easy for him. He should not have been listening. 

"Of Elrohir?" He asked being deliberately obtuse.

"Stop it Legolas, do not play games. You know I overheard you."

"I was not speaking to you and I do not wish to discuss it with you." 

Aragorn placed a hand on his knee.

"Legolas, this is not your fault. It is no more your fault than it is mine for failing to provide you with safe passage through my land. I have lost many nights sleep on guilt over this and both of us are wrong."

"You were not there. I am not wrong."

Aragorn took a breath before he continued.

"You say you were distracted, that you noticed nothing untoward, could it be perhaps there was nothing to see? Did Erynion raise any alarm?"

" I am the one who should have seen it. He had little contact with Men. I failed him."

"If he was wary of Men Legolas, all the more reason for him to be uneasy, to notice oddities. You could say you were the more likely to be caught unawares, because you have more trust, less fear. Did he say anything?"

He thought on that for awhile, trying to capture the memory of that meeting. Eventually he had to confess.

"He said nothing, he saw nothing, he was not uneasy. We were both taken by surprise."

"You see Lad" Gimli chimed in. "He saw nothing because there was nothing to see. It was his job to protect you was it not? He would not have let you walk into danger. You were tricked both of you, elven senses are not infallible."

" I bought him here! That he was here at all where Men could harm him was because of me."

"And you are here because of me." Aragorn said but he shook his head resolutely at that.

" No. That is not right, it is not like that."

" But Elrohir believed it to be so. He blamed me and you told him he was wrong, that you made you own choices. Did Erynion not make his own choices too?"

He paused to think, could they be right? Was their capture in actual fact a failure of both of them, or neither of them instead of him alone?

" But there is more," he took a shuddering breath. "It is due to my actions he is dead. They wished to hurt me, to break me, and when I did not break they killed him. If I had only........,if I had only been....." It was too painful to think of and he stumbled to a stop.

Aragorn put his arm gently around his shoulders.   
" If you had broken they still would have killed him, and laughed at your pain. You know this. There was nothing you could do, they were determined on bloodshed. I know men like this Legolas, whatever you did would have made no difference. Why they did not kill you also I cannot imagine though I have thanked as many Gods as I can that they did not."

"Perhaps they thought they had" he murmured. 

"Tell me" Aragorn continued softly , "When you meet Erynion again what will he say to you? Will he be full of recriminations and accusations like you say you deserve?"

He was silent for a time for he had not thought on that. What would it be like meeting him again? He tried to imagine that reunion and the tears began to flow as a wave of sadness and regret encompassed him.

"He will welcome me, He will be glad I survived and will rejoice in our reunion.............it will be joyous."

And he realised then maybe they were right, perhaps some of his guilt was misplaced.  
He raised his head and looked Aragorn in the eyes.

"He will not blame me."

And Aragorn smiled,  
"Then let it go , Legolas. I know it is not easy but he would not wish his memory to torment you so." 

"Ah Aragorn," he sighed, "He was my friend, I have known him so long, more years than you can imagine and it hurts."

It dawned on him that apart from that one terrible incident in the forest he had not allowed himself to grieve for Erynion and he needed to. He had pushed the pain down, down, down as far as he could. Buried it behind the guilt frightened of what facing it would bring. And there on the banks of the creek, the support of a friend on either side, he wept for the one he had lost.


	18. Chapter 18

Gimli.

He watched the elf carefully as they rode through the forest noticing his nervousness and distraction, the way his eyes flitted everywhere, the tenseness in his muscles where normally there would be fluidity and relaxation.  In the end the tension of it all became too much for him.

"Relax Legolas! We are nearly at your home, what is this jumpiness about? It is giving me a headache just to watch you."

Legolas glanced back at him. He opened his mouth to protest, to insist he was as calm as he had ever been but then he seemed to think better of it and simply let out a sigh. 

"Do you think they will welcome me Gimli. Erynion's family......?"

So that was what this was about.

"What ridiculousness is this? They will welcome you with open arms, as they always do. They are your people and they love you. Stop this self doubt Legolas, it is not like you. Did you hear anything Aragorn had to say to you yesterday about this guilt?"

Legolas looked back again with a small sad smile,  
"I am not used to feeling so insecure. You are right Gimli, I am not myself. I find it is harder than I thought to let go of this. I am trying."

He frowned at that. Legolas was improved, much improved from the angry confused elf he had been in Minas Tirith and unrecognisable from the wildeyed, distraught, knife wielding creature he had confronted in the clearing just days ago. But this lingering guilt and self doubt worried him,

"Well it is obvious then that I shall have to remain here for sometime longer to remind you just how astray your elven thinking has become!" 

In truth he was not ready to depart from Legolas yet himself. He would need to be much more satisfied with his friends return to health and wellbeing than this to be able to leave him. 

He watched as the elf's eyes wandered to their travelling companions. They had left Aragorn's escort of Men on the edge of the forest, Aragorn being anxious to avoid any potential clash between elves, upset by the attack on their leader and brutal slaying of one of their own and Men, distrustful and wary of Legolas and therefore all of the Fisrtborn. 

So beside them rode only the Sons of Elrond with Aragorn placed firmly between them for the antagonism crackled between those two like electricity and every word they spoke to each other was full of sarcasm and derision. What ever their differences they were a long way from being settled.

He felt himself become riled simply looking at them. Their disagreement was exactly what Legolas didn't need and he knew it added even more guilt atop of the heavy burden he had already placed upon himself. The day before, Elrohir had eventually sought them out, finding them on the banks of the creek where he and Aragorn attempted to ease Legolas's long withheld grief. He had arrived contrite and apologetic, ashamed of his loss of control and Legolas had departed with him. What they had spoke of privately he didn't know but it had made no difference to Legolas's forlorn expression when he watched the brothers both bristling with indignation and cutting into each other with painful words designed to hurt. He found he wished to take them aside and scold them like the small children they seemed to have become.

"So much has changed between us," he heard Legolas murmur.

"Between you and I nothing has changed!" he replied firmly.

Legolas once again looked back over his shoulder, 

"I spoke of Aragorn." He said, " There is much there I for which I cannot atone."

"Cease this self pity Legolas. He is still your friend and ever will be." He cast around to find a topic to move his friends mind from the miserable road it travelled.

"Where are your people anyway? It is long since we entered this depressing forest. Perhaps they have become lazy in your absense."  

Legolas tossed his head with a short laugh, the sound of which gladdened his heart. 

"They are already here. Gimli!"

"Well let them show themselves then," he called loudly. " Unless they are afraid of approaching a fearsome dwarf warrior such as I."

He  was rewarded by a look of pure joy from Legolas, the likes of which he had not seen for many weeks past and he grinned broadly back in return. As if on cue a light voice rang out from the trees above them,

"You enter the realm of the Elves of Ithilien. State your business."

He felt Legolas tense at that, his breath quickening and he hesitated , Aragorn and his brothers swung their heads to look at him. None of them spoke. 

But quickly, as if he had not paused at all Legolas cried out in return,

"I am Legolas Thranduilion, I have come home." 

And he sounded confident and regal like the prince he was.

"Who accompanies you my Prince?" was the reply.   
'Idiot Elves,' he thought to himself. They knew very well exactly who they all were. 

" I bring the Elrondionnath and Elessar Telcontar. It may cause us some trouble if you refuse them." 

" What about me?! " he spluttered from his position behind the elf   
"Do not go on about how illustrious they all are and forget about me!"

And Legolas called out again,  
"And Gimli Gloinson, most illustrious Dwarf Lord, you can refuse him entry if you wish!"

"What!" He cried, but in actual fact he felt uplifted, a bubble of happiness rising within him, how long had it been since he had last been on the recieving end of this mischievous Legolas.

Without a sound a wood elf dropped out of the trees in front of them causing Elrohir's horse to startle but he held control of it. Legolas looked across at him, eyes dancing with mirth,

" Do you still not have control of your horse Elrohir, how many years has it been? "  he chuckled to himself and Gimli saw an answering smile light up Elrohir's face. 

"At least there are no spiders here!" He replied and at that Legolas laughed aloud.

" Though you wish there were do you not? but beware I shall be jealous!!" 

"Is this a private joke Legolas or can anyone join in? " he asked,   
"For you make no sense, none at all," but the only reply he received was a knowing smile. Still he was happy with that, the more he saw Legolas smile the happier he was.

The wood elf stood solemnly in front of them waiting silently for the merriment to subside and when it did he bowed to Legolas, formally, hand on heart .

"My Lord." He said and Legolas responded in kind with a bow of his own. 

The elf then promptly abandoned all pretence at the proper protocol and looked up at them, his face so radiant with joy, he seemed illuminated by it and the smile was broad and true.

"Legolas!" He cried " you have come back to us!" And seemingly from nowhere a crowd of Woodelves joined him from the trees.

Legolas met him with a cry of his own as he nimbly leapt of the horse, 

" Legolas, Don't leave me alone on this animal!" Gimli called out, alarmed, " Don't you abandon me to the wiles of this creature."

Legolas tossed his head and smiled up at him sweetly,

" He likes you Gimli! You will be fine." 

And he was gone swallowed up in an ocean of silvan elves all chattering madly in their language which sounded so strange to his ears. They spoke so fast he could not discern any of the words even if he had understood them.

Legolas was in the middle of them all, smiling, laughing, his eyes alight and sparkling. His golden head shining amongst the brown of his compatriots. He watched him, relaxed and at ease a shining light as he was meant to be, should always have been, and he was glad.

He turned to Aragorn who had brought his horse up next to his, maybe to make sure he stayed on top of it. Truth be told he was glad of the support, the horse was very unnerving to say the least. 

"It was the right thing to do Aragorn, to bring him here. Look at him, did you think we would ever see this again? "

And Aragorn smiled, a pure relief showed clearly on his face.

"You are right Gimli, you are more than right. He needs to be here, they will help him heal. Look at him,   
He is Legolas once more!"


	19. Chapter 19

Aragorn.

He found Legolas outside the hall where the sounds of hilarity and joyous celebration echoed. The Wood Elves were celebrating the return of their prince and they were enjoying themselves while they did so, even in his absense. 

"Why are you out here Legolas? This party is for you I believe."

Legolas sighed,

"I find I am not in the mood for partying tonight, I will just make them miserable, I thought I would get out of their way, let them be happy if they wish it. Gimli is enjoying it at least," and he gave a small smile.

He placed a hand carefully on Legolas's shoulder, he was still aware of unspoken turmoil churning between them and so wary of presuming too much contact.

"They are happy to have you back with them. They thought they had lost you."

"I know."   
He waited but recieved no more reply than that.   
He took a breath and tried again,

"We will leave in the morning, I would stay longer but...." His men awaited him on the edge of the forest and he did not want them deciding he had tarried too long here and come searching for him. A meeting between Men and elves was probably best avoided for now. 

Legolas turned to face him.

" I understand you must leave." he said, "I thank you for bringing me this far."

He frowned at Legolas's formality, at the  stilted wariness of their conversation. 

"You will come back to Minas Tirith soon?" He asked although he knew it was unlikely. 

"I do not know when I will be back there Aragorn." Legolas looked uneasy and his eyes slid off to the side avoiding his gaze.  
" It is difficult... Things as they are .... Your people will not welcome me there I think." And he turned away. 

But he would not allow him to avoid this conversation or dodge what lay between them by using the convienient excuse of his peoples distrust. He reached out and  grasped his arm causing Legolas to swing back towards him. 

"Do not give up on US Legolas! What my people think does not matter."

"It does matter Aragorn. It is their city, you are their King and I have wronged you. It does matter. You can not ignore their wishes."

He was frustrated beyond belief.

"It is you who have been wronged Legolas, by them, by me because I did not ensure you safety. I have forgiven you what happened in the forest, what more must I do to convince you this means nothing to me?"

"You have forgiven me but I find I cannot forgive myself." Legolas's reply was blunt and uncompromising.   
"There is a chasm between us now, can you not feel it?"

"A chasm of your making. It is not real, we are still ourselves."

Legolas reached out and placed his hand gently over the bandage on his wounded arm. 

"Of all that has happened to me it is this which causes me the most pain". His voice was low,  
 "I cannot believe myself capable of this, I fear it may happen again. I wish..... I wish I could take it back. I cannot...." His voice broke, he quickly turned away and Aragorn was left distraught and completely at sea as to how to repair this.  He could only say, what he had said before and keep saying it until Legolas heard it, really heard it.

"Nothing has changed Legolas, it was not me you saw, it was not me you attacked. I know this. I wish you would believe me. You have nothing to make amends for. Nothing."

Legolas kept his back to him, he knew it was because he did not want him to see his distress. For a moment there was silence but finally he spoke again. 

"I can only promise you I will try. I will try to fix this. I wish us to return to how things were. I do not want to lose our friendship, I will fight for us Aragorn, within myself."

And he realised that would have to be enough. He would have to wait, and hope, for Legolas to find a way through this himself. 

"I will see you in the morning then" He said softly, and turned to leave but Legolas called out after him as he went,

"Wait Aragorn ! There is one more thing I must say..,,,.I have judged you harshly, I know that now. I am sorry." 

He was confused and he knew he must look it.

"You have judged me? I do not follow..."

Legolas dropped his gaze to the ground and looked shamefaced.

"I talk of the sea longing. I chastised you in Minas Tirith, I accused you of treating me as a child, of refusing to see I have made my own choices and lived my own life."

"And you were right Legolas, I have done that. I needed to hear it."

"But now I realise it is not that easy..... To let go of the guilt, to recognise the responsibility does not lie with yourself. I did not know, until now....how hard it must be for you......"

And suddenly he understood what this conversation was about.

"You speak of Erynion." 

Legolas rubbed his hand over his face and he could sense his despair .

" I have listened to you Aragorn, what you said to me yesterday and it makes sense. I know that. His family were here to meet me when we arrived, did you know that? They do not hold me responsible for his death, and you tell me I am not, I can see the truth in that and yet in here..."

He pressed his hand against his heart,

"In here I still feel it. I still believe I am at fault even though I know it is not so. I have not been fair to you. I have not realised how hard it would be for you not to feel as you do."

"Give it time, Legolas. Your feelings will change, they will fade and what is real, that this all no fault of yours, will become more obvious. I am glad you are here among your people. They will help you heal and let go of this."

He smiled gently at his friend,

"As for me, I did need you to call me to account and you were right. I had not allowed you due respect for your decisions. I will not lie I still feel I carry some blame for the sea longing, perhaps I always will but I will run from that no longer. You do not need to apologise for your words Legolas. They were welcome, they were needed." 

He hesitated before he said the next, perhaps it was not for him to ask,

"Does this mean you understand Elrohir better also?"

He watched as Legolas's brow furrowed in thought and waited for his reply. 

"Elrohir does not feel guilt for the sea longing." he said at last, "He blamed you, it is not the same." 

"He fears to face it,"he replied, "as I do. He fears you will leave him........leave us."

At that Legolas gave him a long, hard somewhat unpleasant elven stare.

"You have said this to me before. Do you think I did not listen?"

He wondered at this point if he should have started this discussion but he had so he may as well see it to it's conclusion.

"I think you choose not to see Elrohir's fear as much as he chooses to turn his head from the sea longing. You are both running. I do not know why his fear of being without you bothers you so." 

At that Legolas's defiance and attitude deflated. His shoulders slumped.

"I have heard you this time Aragorn. I have seen how he feels and we have spoken of it. You need not worry for your brother. I will run no longer, but as to why, well that is our business only." And he looked at him sadly,  
"I will speak with him more about this tonight, for he will be leaving with you tomorrow and we will have to say our goodbyes again. It seems we are destined always to be apart." 

Legolas seemed so deflated at that statement he felt a surge of guilt that his brother would be leaving with him and reached out in a reflex to comfort and though his words he knew were empty, it made him feel better to say them.

"You will not always be apart Legolas, not always. One day you will be together."

 

Legolas.

 

He was in turmoil as he watched Aragorn leave for he did not know what to make of their conversation. They had fallen so far from the close brotherly relationship they once had. He could feel Aragorns hesitancy, his apprehension as he spoke to him. It could only be because the attack had changed their friendship.

He did not know how to fix it but he had promised Aragorn he would try and so try he must. Even if he did though there was still the problem of Aragorn's people who would, he thought, never accept him again. It was all too hard, too complicated and so he turned his thoughts away, towards Elrohir who would be leaving with Aragorn in the morning.

Always they were forced to do this, say farewell as they were separated by distance and duty. It tore at his heart. It was the reason for his melancholy now even as he was surrounded by the love of his people and the calm of the trees.  

He sighed to himself and turned to go, back into the partying crowds to find his lover for they needed to talk. As he moved towards the hall he was startled to find his way blocked by the person he thought least likely to seek him out.

"Legolas, I need to speak with you."   
Elladan's tone was harsh and he felt it did not bode well for a pleasant conversation.

"About what?" He was on the defensive already and he knew he sounded it. He should try harder to control his words. 

"About my brother, my brothers. Both of them."

His heart sunk, what else could it be about? He was tired and weary, his hand and back ached and he simply wished to spend some time with Elrohir. He did not need this. 

He was tempted to pretend he didn't understand, play games with Elladan and make life difficult for him but then time spent arguing here meant less time with Elrohir so in the end he cut to the chase.

"You don't trust me." He said bluntly. 

If Elladan was surprised by the direct approach he didn't show it. He was just as blunt in return.

" No, and I have good reason. I will not let you hurt them again."

He sighed deeply for how could he convince Elladan of something he was not sure about himself? 

" I will not harm them, never again. You have my word."

" Your word is not good enough Legolas. Stay away from them! What will happen if noone is around the next time? Estel would be dead if not for Gimli!"

Right now this was his deepest fear, that Elladan was right, somehow the memories would flare and he would lose control again. The logical side of him said that was a fallacy, it would never happen again. He was healing, he was not the same as he had been. But what if?  
He gave a bitter laugh.

"I cannot stay away. You know not what you ask, although you should do. Elrohir needs me as much as I need him. I cannot leave him."

"I will not stand by and let you hurt them." Elladan's face was dark and threatening. 

He was so tired of this, of everything.

"Well you will not have to will you. Aragorn departs in the morning. I hardly have time to attempt whatever it is you believe me capable of."

"What of Elrohir?!" Elladan snapped back viciously,

He was confused, what did he mean by that? Elrohir went with Aragorn, with Elladan, and since he was unlikely to be able to bring himself to go Minas Tirith again before they departed he was no threat to Elrohir either. 

"What do you mean?" His reply was hesitant, was he missing something.

Elladan's beautiful face was hard and cold.

"You take him from me."

He almost laughed at that for how could he ever take Elrohir from Elladan? The idea was ridiculous. He knew, as he had always known, Elrohir put Elladan before him in all things. 

"I do not!" He exclaimed, " I have no power to do that even if I wished to. Elrohir is his own master. Not mine to take as I please."

"You do not know." Elladan murmured almost to himself. 

"What do I not know?"

But Elladan turned to go, his cloak swinging round him as he spun on his heels and began to walk away. At the edge of the light, before he disappeared into darkness, he stopped looking back at him over one shoulder.

"Do not hurt him Legolas. I cannot survive if he is not here."

And then he was gone.


	20. Chapter 20

Elrohir.

 

It took him some time to realise Legolas was not in the midst of the partying Woodelves but when he did he went looking for him. He felt the beginnings of panic as his eyes roved over the hall and found no sign of him but he told himself he was being foolish. This was Legolas's home and he was quite safe here. 

" Are you looking for someone?"

A soft voice sounded in his ear and he turned to see Legolas by his side. 

"Looking for you! Where have you been?" He smiled. 

" It has been a trying night. I have been lectured by both your brothers."

He frowned as he took in Legolas's pale complexion. He looked tired and drawn, and he was sure he could see pain lurking behind his eyes. He reached out and gently turned his face towards him. It was such a relief to be among elves, not men and not to have to hide their gestures of affection. 

"You do not look well, shall I call someone, a healer?"

Legolas smiled though he thought the smile was not completely genuine.

" No healers! If you speak to just one of them they will be swarming all over me. I just need some rest, I thought you might join me?" and he tilted his head rather suggestively.

He would take Legolas's lead then and not call for help though he did not believe for a minute he didn't need it. 

"Come on then, he said with gusto, " If you need rest then rest we shall have!"

It took moments only to reach Legolas's rooms. He sat there and watched as he paced with restless tension. What was bothering him? 

" Legolas, be still! All this moving is getting you no rest, here.."

He patted the bed beside him. 

"Come sit with me and relax." 

Legolas huffed in frustration but in the end came and sat. He leaned back against him, his head on Elrohir's chest and closed his eyes.

" I cannot relax Elrohir, my mind will not stop"

He lifted his hand and began to stroke the cascade of pale gold hair and the head of his lover trying to calm him.

"What is it that worries you so?" He remembered then what Legolas had said of his brothers.

"What did my brothers say to you?"

"They spoke of us."

"Of us?" He scowled at that,  
"We are not their business."

"They are your brothers Elrohir," Legolas replied softly. "Of course you are their business. They worry for you."

"They need not." He was angry now.   
"What you and I do is nothing to do with them."

Legolas was silent, he did not reply and after several minutes he wondered if he was asleep but it was not so. Eventually he spoke, his voice quiet and uncertain.

"Aragorn accuses me of being afraid, he says I run from you."

His anger flared again at that.

"Then he does not know you! You never run, That is my weakness, I am the one who runs and hides."

Under his hand Legolas shook his head.

"I think he is right Elrohir, we are both guilty. You are afraid I will leave you, and I........I am afraid I will not be able to stay."

His hand paused mid stroke and he froze as a chill crept over his heart. What did he mean by that? That he thought he could not stay? He repeated the words numbly.

"You will not be able to stay? What do you mean?"   
He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Please let him not leave.

Instead of answering his questions Legolas began talking as if he had said nothing.

"Do you remember when we were first together?"

"Of course!"   
He did, how could he ever forget it.

"It was a happy accident was it not?"

"Yes............"

What was Legolas trying to tell him? That he still saw their love as something accidental and casual?

""Remember we told each other it was nothing serious, a fling and no more. Do you remember that Elrohir?"

"Yes....."   
He struggled to get the words out, was that what Legolas wanted? To return to that? He didn't think he could do it.

"I was fooling myself then," Legolas continued, "For it was never that. Not for me, right from the beginning I was in too deep. I knew there was something..........and it terrified me."

He could hardly believe what he was hearing. This could not be true. He thought back to those early days together, Legolas had given no sign of anything serious, anything more than the casual connection they had both said it was.

"Right from the beginning?" He questioned,  
"Before........before Mirkwood?"

"Yes."

Legolas opened his eyes and stared up into his own.

"Right from the beginning Elrohir, from that moment I knew there would be no-one else. I was frightened, that was not how I saw myself........how could I not end up doing something to destroy it? Make a mistake and alienate you? And so I pretended it was not real. I have pretended all this time to some extent. No wonder you fear I will leave you. I have been afraid I could not give you the commitment that you need. Now I realise I have no choice even if I wished it, my heart decided that all those years ago and it has never strayed." 

He was breathless with surprise and astonishment. How could he answer this? To know he was needed by someone, as desperately as he needed them was exhilarating. For a moment he was freed from his self doubt and it was a blissful feeling.

His hand began to move softly through the golden hair again soothing and calming. 

"You give me all that I need Legolas. I need nothing else. How can you not know that? I too knew from the first, the very first. Why did you say nothing?!"

Legolas laughed softly,

"And why did you not? You forget how young, naive and out of my depth I was there! You, you were one of the great Sons of Elrond. The elves of Imladris gathered to you like moths to a flame caught up in your brilliance........and I was caught too. I had no choice but to pretend my nonchalance!"

He smiled too at the thought of that young, naive Legolas.

"But now you know me better," he said, "and you see I am not so great after all."

"Oh no, you are just as magnificent to me Elrohir. You shine, you mesmerise me. Aragorn is right. I have been so afraid my fickleness would destroy the love between us."  
He raised a hand just as Elrohir opened his mouth to answer that,

"No don't protest Elrohir, I AM fickle, I am changeable and wild. I flit from place to place, one idea to another, even my Father will tell you that. It has been the bane of his existence. Gimli is quite right when he calls me flighty. I know it. But in this one thing, my love for you, I have always been true."

He leaned forward, rested his chin upon Legolas's head and enfolded him in his arms. He was overwhelmed by this discovery and his heart soared with a feeling of utmost joy.

" I wish you had told me." He whispered.

Within his embrace Legolas sighed and he saw a tear running down that beautiful face. He reached up and brushed it away.

" What is it? What is wrong?"

"Aragorn leaves in the morning."

Things were so tense between his brother and Legolas that he wondered at this distress. He had thought Aragorn's departure would be a relief, not upsetting.

" He will not be that far away Legolas. You can go to Minas Tirith-"

Legolas cut him off mid sentence.

"You go with him."

Then it dawned on him, he should have spoken to him earlier than this.

"Always we are apart Elrohir, and always it hurts, it hurts so very badly although I pretend it does not. I am so sick of it."

The tears fell rapidly now.

" Hush," 

He cradled him closer to him.

" I have been thinking. I should have told you. I will not be returning with Elladan to Imladris, not for a while."

Legolas stilled, it was as if he even held his breath.

" What?"

He rushed on eager that he not misunderstand him.

"I need to be with Estel....I have treated him badly, I will need to spend some time with him and Arwen, to try to reclaim some of the time I have lost..... But you will not be far away when I am there......you could come...."

Legolas let the breath out with a shudder, there was a long moment of silence before he spoke and when he did it was obvious he was struggling.

"I do not think I can go to Minas Tirith Elrohir, not now......not for a while, even if you are there. Still it is not so far away as Imladris.........I suppose that is better. I am glad.......I am glad you reconnect with Aragorn for both your sakes."

It was then he realised Legolas didn't understand at all. In his rush he had said it all wrong.

"You don't understand Legolas, I will be visiting Estel only. I intend to stay here with YOU. I just wanted you to know I will have to go there......to see my brother and my sister also." 

"You will stay here?"  
Legolas sounded disbelieving.

"For a few months only......I have to go back to Elladan, but he has Glorfindel, he will do well enough without me for awhile!"

Legolas sat up abruptly and spun around to face him.

"You choose to stay here," he repeated, "with me?"

"Yes," he said and he lifted a wayward strand of hair from Legolas's face.  
"Yes I choose that. I want that."

Legolas was shaking, he felt him tremble underneath his hands.

"What is wrong? Do you not want it? Is this the wrong thing for me to do?"

"You have never.........I never thought you would......always Elladan has come first, I had accepted that. You will put me first in this?"

He was shocked by that and he remembered Legolas saying something similar at the camp by the forest. 

"Surely you know you are always first in everything for me? Elladan is my brother, I love him, we are two halves of the same whole. Without him I do not know what I would do. When we are apart I miss him with all my heart but I do not yearn for him as I do you. I do not feel my very soul ripped apart by his absense, I do not ache to my depths as I do when I am without you."

He stroked Legolas's cheek softly and drew him closer. 

"It is always you. It will always be you."

They stayed like that close and entwined for several minutes until Legolas pulled back from him sharply. 

"This is what Elladan meant. I did not understand. Have you spoken to him of this?"

He grimaced at that.  
"Of course I have. We have spoken of little else for the last two days....when we are speaking to each other at all! What has he said?"

"He does not trust me with you."

That made him angry.

"He is wrong."

"What if he is right Elrohir. What if....... I do not even trust myself."

"He is wrong,"   
He repeated firmly.  
"and if you do not trust yourself then you are wrong also."

"He accused me of taking you from him. It made no sense, but now....... he is so unhappy. I do not wish to come between you."

He grasped Legolas's hands and held them tight. 

"You could never come between us. Nothing can. Ignore our quarrels, we have always bickered. Elladan will go back to Imladris and Glorfindel will tell him how silly he is being. When I return he will have missed me and all will be forgotten."

He smiled at the thought of that reunion.

"I promise I will make sure we do not part on bad terms. He needs to get used to this. The people of the wood are leaving, you know this and when last we saw our Grandfather he spoke of moving to Imladris with what is left of them. When that happens I will be coming here to be with you, until we sail, the both of us."

A glorious, beautiful smile spread across Legolas's face at that. 

"I feel I must be dreaming! I did not imagine this would be possible."

"It will do Elladan and I good to be apart. We need to be." He continued, a spark of joy alight within him at the sight of that smile.

"And you and I Legolas, finally, deserve to be together."


	21. Chapter 21

Elrohir

The sun shone brightly through the trees and it felt as if on this day it shone for him alone. He could not contain his joy and it spilled out of him into his smile, his step, his life.

Legolas loved him. Of course he had known that for years but now..... to know he loved him so desperately, that he too had felt the instant bond that had shattered his world into tiny pieces so many years ago. It was almost more than he could comprehend. 

But he must rein this in, this bubbling cascading river of joy for he went to find his brother, to fulfil his promise to Legolas that they would not part on bad terms and to meet him with his Fea bursting with happiness such as this would ensure that meeting would not go well.

It did not take long to locate Elladan. He was with the horses and his heart sunk as he approached him for his stance was rigid and tension radiated from him. 

"Elladan! I must talk to you." He called.

Elladan turned to him glowering in displeasure.  

"Unless you have come to tell me you have changed your mind I have nothing to say to you."

"Elladan. Do not do this. Do not let us part like this."

"What would you have me do then Elrohir? I cannot stand and watch you put yourself in danger."

"I am in no danger from Legolas." He said quietly. 

"Your love has made you blind!" Elladan snapped. "You do not see-"

He cut him off,

"No my brother, it is you who do not see. You know Legolas not at all, you have never attempted to know him....Wait.."

He held up his hand to stop Elladans reply,

"I know he holds you at arms length. I know the fault for the uneasiness between you lies on both sides but you look at him with eyes tainted with distrust and ignorance. That is why you are so quick to condemn." 

Elladan shook his head stubbornly, his face set in a determined frown. 

He sighed, his brother was being stubborn. He would have to try this another way.

" You know I stay for Estel also."

" I know, I am pleased you are closer, that that wound is healing. Come with us to Minas Tirith Elrohir. Stay there. Legolas can visit."

"He will not visit, He finds it impossible to be there now. Elladan please, when we were in Minas Tirith you spoke to me of Estel and Arwen. You asked me if I could do what it was I expected from them, if I could allow myself to be separated from Legolas for eternity by death. It was then I realised I could not, then that I began to open my heart to Estel again."

"What has that to do with this, Elrohir?"

"Now I will ask the same of you." 

The expression on Elladans face was one of total confusion.

"You saw Legolas when we found him, You tended his wounds, you know better than I what horrors were done to him, why he is still damaged. Tell me, if it were Glorfindel whom we found there, Glorfindel who was tortured and tormented, would you leave him because I asked you too?"

The answer he recieved was only silence and so he plunged on. He had to make Elladan understand this. 

"Even if I had fears for your safety, even if my fears were valid, would you leave him brother? Would you abandon him for my sake?"

When Elladan at last spoke his voice was little more than a whisper.

"No." His brothers eyes were filled with pain.  
"I would never leave him. Not until I knew he was well.....not even for you."

He grasped Elladans shoulder. 

"Then you understand. Legolas is not well, not yet, though he improves. Do not ask this of me, I would do anything for you brother, anything, but I cannot do this."

Elladan hung his head, all his defiance stripped away.

"Forgive me." He murmured .

A burst of relief surged through him. At last his brother understood

"Ah Elladan," he said softly, "What is at the heart of this? It can not simply be about Legolas."  
   
Elladan did not raise his head. He looked utterly dejected, 

"I will miss you." 

His voice was so soft he hardly heard him.

"This is only a temporary seperation. We are not small children who cannot be apart any longer. Anyway I think Glorfindel will be delighted to see you return without me!"

But Elladan did not smile at the joking tone as he had thought he would. Instead he finally lifted his head and looked straight at him.

" Will you promise me....... Promise me if Legolas should sail and you go with him I will see you first, before you leave."

He was horrified. What was Elladan thinking?

"Legolas is not going to sail Elladan! Why do you think that? He has no wish to. He will say here as long as Estel is here, it is no easier for him to leave Estel than it is for you and I. Even in Minas Tirith, when he was at his worst and I could see no other way for him to survive this but to sail he would not even consider it."

 Elladan sighed heavily and his shoulders slumped in misery.

"I have feared it." He admitted. "Ever since I heard he had been stricken with the sealonging, I have been afraid one morning I would wake to find you gone with him across the sea."

He was astonished, struck dumb at this glimpse of what had been going through his brothers mind. Gently he reached out to him.

"How could you think I would leave? That I would leave without you,"

It was as if he was looking in a mirror. His brother reflecting his own fears back at him, and suddenly he could not understand them. He would never sail without Elladan. If only Elladan had asked him he would have known Legolas would not sail yet either. It made no sense he thought, but then, he had feared Legolas would leave him. Now in the cold light of day that made no sense to him either. He had feared Elladan would choose to stay, would choose the way of Men, how silly that seemed now. Who was the bigger fool. Himself or his brother? 

"What has made us so insecure Brother? I have worried you might choose to remain here, as Arwen has. How could you ever imagine I would abandon you? How could I have worried you would do the same to me?"

Elladan was hesitant in his response.

"So you will not?...."

"I will not! Cast your fears aside. You will see me in Imladris again probably before you even wish it!"

And finally there was the hint of a smile on Elladans face.

"I fear also," he said, the smile broadening, "the damage you will do if I leave you here unaccompanied. Without me to keep you under control who knows what will happen. I do not wish to hear you have somehow caused a war between Ithilien and Gondor!" 

He laughed at the thought of it.

"You do not think Estel would be foolish enough to let that happen. Anyway Legolas will keep me in line."

Elladan looked giddy and lightheaded with relief, the same kind of relief he himself had felt when he finally realised Legolas was not going to desert him.

"Legolas has never been able to keep you in line. He is as bad as you, the two of you together.......perhaps Estel needs to send warning to Faramir..."

He stopped mid sentence as if a thought had just occurred to him.

"Estel does not know you will not accompany us. I have not told him."

" Then I will speak to him now. I will explain things."  

He turned to go but something drew him back towards his brother and he walked to him, clasped his head so that they stood forehead to forehead. He felt Elladans breath warm upon his cheeks.

"I will miss you too my brother." 

And he released him. 

"Will you do one thing for me?"

Elladans smile was his old generous one, lighting up his face so it was soft and warm.

"Name it." He said.

"Will you speak to Legolas before you go. He is labouring under a heavy burden of guilt. It will help him to know you are at ease with me staying. That you do not fear for me here....." 

Elladan hesitated and he held his breath anxiously.

"That would be a lie, Elrohir. I still have concerns about his state of mind." He paused as if considering something.

"But I will tell him I am happy for you to remain here. That I understand. Is that enough for you?"

He released his breath slowly. It would have to be enough. It was more than he expected at the beginning of their discussion.

"Thank you." he said simply and he smiled at his brother in return, So good it was to be at odds with him no longer for already he felt the loss to come, the lack of his presence beside him. Already he missed him as he would often in the weeks ahead. To have parted in anger would have been unbearable.

Aragorn was easy to find as it turned out. He watched him from afar at first, noticing the stress and nervousness he attempted to hide. He was struggling with leaving Legolas, he was sure of that and also with the difficulties that now lay between them. He vowed to himself he would make every effort while he was here, in Ithilien to help them repair their friendship. He was certain Legolas could not be truly well without it.

Eventually Aragorn looked up and saw him watching.

" Elrohir." He called, "Are you ready? We will be departing soon."

He strode towards him with determination. He was not sure what his younger brothers reaction would be to his news.

"Aragorn,.......I do not plan to accompany you today. I am staying here. "

Aragorn raised his eyebrows in surprise and then a frown creased his forehead. 

" You wish to remain longer? I understand Elrohir, but Elladan says your return to Imladris is imminent. Does it really gain you anything to stay when it can only be for a few days at most? I do no doubt your abilities but I am reluctant to have you travel back to Minas Tirith alone...... Perhaps Faramir could send some men with you......."

He grasped him by the shoulders interrupting his train of thought.

"You misunderstand me Estel, I am  
not returning to Imladris with Elladan."

Aragorns reaction to that was one of disbelief. 

"You are what?"

He wondered then why it was so astonishing to everyone that he and Elladan would wish to embark on separate plans. Did no one see them as individuals capable of living lives apart?

"I am staying here. Is that so surprising? Legolas needs me and one of us must return home. So Elladan will go and I will remain."

"Forgive me Elrohir..... It is just..... unexpected."

"I don't know why it should be. Legolas is not ready for me to leave........actually to be truthful I am not ready to leave him."

He paused then. He had treated Aragorn shabbily over a period of years, how would he react to his next request?

" I will stay here with Legolas" he went on hesitantly, " but..... I wish to spend time with you also. I have.....I have behaved badly. I wish to make recompense..."

He shook his head, no that was not what he wanted to say. He tried again.

"I wish to get the time back. We have little enough as it is and I have wasted it Estel. I would spend some time now..... with you...." 

When he looked up he saw Aragorn was smiling, his face lit up, radiant through the fatigue and worry. Before he could move he was enveloped in a hug that took him quite by surprise. 

"So you will accept a visit to Minas Tirith then?" He said with a smile when he was released.

"With gladness! You do not know how much." Was the reply 

Out of the corner of his eye he spotted Legolas approaching them looking anxious and hesitant. He too was uneasy about Aragorn's departure. Aragorn followed his gaze and sighed when he saw him.

"I do not know what to do for him Elrohir, I can not make him see sense."

He put his arm around his shoulders.

"I will do what I can to try to mend this for you Estel. I will find a way. Though I have no idea how."

"I have been looking for you Elrohir." Legolas hung back, his gaze darting uncertainly toward Aragorn as if he did not know what to say.

"I have been telling Estel you are not getting rid of me." He smiled, trying to lighten the tension,

" That he may expect us in Minas Tirith also."

Legolas hastily took a step back, 

"You only. I cannot go there." He shock his head adamantly.

"Maybe you will feel differently in a few months....?"

He mentally kicked himself for bringing that up at all.

"I am not welcome there." Legolas was accepting no consolation.

Beside him Aragorn gave a sigh.

"You are welcome Legolas. In my city you are always welcome."

"Not by your people. I see their distrust. They do not want me there."

Aragorn reached a hand out towards him which Legolas smoothly dodged.

"Legolas. There is no distrust. If anything they feel shame, shame that some of their own have visited such horrors upon you. If they avoid your eyes it is simply because they are afraid you will judge them. They were at the clearing. They saw......we found evidence of what was done there. It sickens them as it does me."

But Legolas was having none of it.

"You fool yourself Aragorn. I know what I see, I know what I feel from them."

He decided he needed to intervene, this conversation was going nowhere helpful. He needed to distract them and lighten the mood.

"Perhaps you could visit Ithilien while I am here Estel? How much time have you spent here?"

Aragorn instantly brightened, obviously glad at the change of subject.

"Not enough, that is true. Perhaps I should...."

"Come when there is a celebration!" He was warming to his subject now. " Wood-Elf celebrations are the best ones. Arwen would love it."

Aragorn began to look decidedly uncomfortable as Legolas interrupted with a bright smile. 

"Aragorn has always avoided our celebrations, they make him uncomfortable."

"That is not true," Aragorn said defensively. " What was last night if not a celebration?"

" Last night...." Legolas said haughtily, "Was a sedate and muted formal welcome."

He watched Legolas with amusement. His tension had abated, his eyes sparkled with mischief. It was as if the uncertain, hesitant Legolas who was there just moments ago had transformed into someone much closer to the Legolas he knew and loved.

Legolas leaned forward and placed his hand on Aragorns shoulder. He was up to something Elrohir thought, all the signs were there. Aragorn obviously thought the same, he leapt away at the touch and Legolas smiled, a wide, fine brilliant smile.

"Come to see us during the spring festival Aragorn."

"Ahh...." Aragorn was searching for words, "That is maybe short notice, I don't think Arwen-"

"Arwen would enjoy it!" He joined in the conversation, he was in the mood to create some mischief, If Legolas was starting some he would take this opportunity.  
"Don't forget Estel, she spent much time in Lothlorien, she is well used to wild celebrations."

Aragorn looked startled,

"Galadriel did not have wild celebrations, there was no sign of it whenever I was there. It was all very sedate."

He laughed loudly,

"That was probably for your benefit, She was a bit secretive about it, why do you think She encouraged Lothlorien to have such a mysterious aura?"

"Say you will come Aragorn," Legolas moved closer to his brother, "It will be fun, long have I wished to show you how wood elves have fun. It would help in my recovery I am sure." He voice was light and somehow very suggestive.

Aragorn edged away,

"I don't think.....it will take some planning...."

Legolas was not going to let him off easily however.

"I promise I will keep my hands to myself. I know how upright you are, I know you disapprove of our loose and wild ways. I will not jump on you. I will not need to, Elrohir will be here..........unless of course..."

He threw a bright cheeky glance his way.

"Unless Elrohir would like to join us? What do you say Elrohir?"

It was all he could do not to laugh out loud at the look of absolute horror on his brothers face at that and he tilted his head as he asked the question,

"It could be interesting Estel, what do you think?"

Aragorn had obviously reached his limit with that idea and he hastily backed away.

"I think perhaps.......I think I will come when there is NOT any festival, I will see....I must go and see Elladan." And he turned and almost ran from them, to be honest, he did run.

He turned back to Legolas and his heart surged with happiness at the laughter in his eyes and the smile on his face. How good it was to see him back like this.

"That was cruel Legolas," he spluttered, "You know how uptight he is, how honourable. How could you!" 

But he did not mean it and Legolas knew it. 

"I could not resist, it was too easy!"   
And he threw back his head and laughed .


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the last chapter! There are three more stories in this series but I haven't posted them here yet. I will try to soon!

Legolas.

 

Elrohir was gone when he woke. He seemed to have a habit of doing that lately, but then he had to admit he was sleeping much longer, catching up on lost sleep perhaps and it was probably quite boring sitting there waiting for him to wake. He lay for a while luxuriating in the feeling of freedom that swept through him at the thought of Elrohir. Why hadn't he confessed to the intensity, the immediacy of his feelings earlier? It had not been that hard. All those years hiding it, denying it to himself when Elrohir had felt the same all along. He was such a fool.

But the feeling of wellbeing didn't last as he remembered what day it was. Aragorn would be leaving. The knot of anxiety returned to gnaw at his stomach. He did not want Aragorn to leave, didn't look forward to the departure and yet at the same time he wished him gone so he didn't have to face this awkwardness between them. Every time he looked at him all he could see was the shocked look on his face in the clearing, when he was on his knees clutching the arm he himself had damaged. It made him feel sick to think on it.

He sighed as he got up and began to dress, forcing himself to push those thoughts to one side, hide them away at the back of his mind. He was good at that. He was startled by an unexpected knock at the door and when he opened it and saw Elladan he nearly shut it again in his face. He could not deal with another conversation with Elladan now. Could he not just leave him alone.

" Yes?" He snapped, not bothering to disguise his annoyance.

" Legolas, may I have a word?" Elladan sounded much more controlled than the night before.

" Is there really anything more for you to say?" He asked.  
" I think I got the message loud and clear last night."

" I need to apologise for last night. I said things I should not have."

He knew he should accept the apology so they could move on and ignore what was obviously Elladan's simmering resentment of him as they always did but his nerves were stretched and the anxiety over leaving Aragorn with their friendship uncertain twisted within him making him short tempered at best. He found he did not have the energy to pretend politeness this time.

"You said things you wish you had kept to yourself but that does not change the fact you believe them. And why not? We both know how poorly you think of me. How dare I be with your precious brother."   
He was harsher than he had meant to be. As he opened his mouth the words just flowed out and he did not take the time to control them. Elladan looked startled by his viciousness.

"I know things are not easy between us-" he replied, his tone still non threatening, obviously trying to reduce the tension that crackled across the room.

"- and we know why that is!" He interjected angrily. That was a step too far for Elladan and his composure snapped.

"Do not blame me for that!" 

He knew he should stop the conversation right there before he and Elladan wandered into territory they had mutually decided never to revisit but the logical section of his brain didn't seem to be working this morning and emotion took over.

"Who else is there to blame for it was no fault of mine...do you really wish to discuss this now, of all times Elladan? Shall we haul out all our baggage and examine it once again. Nothing has changed. -"

"- You can not pin it all on me Legolas. Do you still persist in doing that? Is that how you manage to sleep at night? Believe me I do not want to think of it any more than you do! I am quite happy for us to simply coexist for the sake of my brother. You are the one who brings it up. It is not why I am here." Elladan finally raised his voice, his anger getting the better of him.

He was about to launch himself into a raging tirade, one he knew he would greatly regret later when the door swung open behind Elladan revealing Gimli standing there arms folded and most disapproving.

"What is going on here?" His voice was low and gruff and his displeasure focused entirely on Elladan who stepped back quickly in alarm. Legolas didn't blame him, an unhappy Gimli was not a pleasant sight.

"Gimli! Excuse me, I was just...I just needed a quick word with Legolas before we leave." Elladan was stumbling over his words in apology and he thought if he was not still struggling to rein in his own overwhelming emotions he would have found it very amusing.

"Well have your word then. And be sure to keep it pleasant." Gimli growled and fixed Elladan with an uncomfortable stare.

Elladan hesitated uncertainly, waiting for Gimli to leave but he did not. He planted his feet firmly making it obvious he had no intention of leaving. Eventually Elladan had no option but to continue with an audience.

" Legolas......"

He glanced at Gimli again as if checking, one last time that there was no chance of him leaving then sighed and continued.

"I simply wished to let you know I have spoken to Elrohir this morning. I am happy he will remain here. I understand why he wishes to.......... that is all...." He trailed off uncomfortably and Gimli nodded a very satisfied nod at that and turned to Legolas.

"Legolas, what have you to say in reply?" He asked him firmly.

He felt like a child being taught a lesson in politeness by an Elder and his cheeks flamed with embarrassment. Suddenly Gimli's presence was no longer remotely funny.

He looked determinedly at the floor as he replied.

"I am pleased the two of you are reconciled." he mumbled reluctantly.

"Legolas!" The tone of Gimli's voice suggested he was losing his patience.

He raised his eyes. He was a prince and so he would act like one, he would not stand here and be disciplined by a dwarf. He swallowed down his anger, his long time bitterness and antagonism with Elladan.

"Thank you for your understanding." He said as if it was the most heartfelt thanks possible. 

Elladan nodded and then, when nothing further was said he turned to leave. A memory flashed through his mind as he watched him go. The briefest glimpse, of pain and confusion, the world a tortured agony he did not want to face. It was when he had first reclaimed his memories after the attack. And Elladan, the only one whose touch did not terrify him as Aragorn's and the other human healers did, sitting with him for hours gently washing the wounds on his back, binding his broken bones, bathing him in his aura of calmness and healing and helping him through the trauma. He remembered Elrohir's horrendous memories of his mother's torture, so terrible he barely ever mentioned it and he wondered exactly what it had cost Elladan to do that.

"Elladan." He said just as he reached the door, and Elladan swung around looking doubtful. Did he expect more harsh words?   
"Elladan, thank you for your care, in Minas Tirith.......I know it can not have been easy.......I am....I am grateful, I am truly grateful."

Elladan's smile in return was a small one, barely a smile at all but he saw it. 

"It was no trouble Legolas. I am pleased you are well." And he gave him a nod as he left that referred to much they never spoke of and still had not. 

"Well." Gimli turned to him when the room was empty. "What was that about? Yelling at each other this early in the morning, will you never learn decent behaviour?"

He shut the conversation with Elladan away to be thought about later and grinned at Gimli happily.

"It is well I have you to keep me in line then Gimli, What on earth would I do without you?"

 

The departure of Aragorn and Elladan was a tense one, Neither Aragorn or he were at ease. He wondered when he would see his friend again for he could not imagine returning to a city of men at any time in the future and although Aragorn had promised a visit to Ithilien he was unsure of the sincerity of that promise. 

He stood morosely watching them go and as Aragorn turned before he disappeared into the trees and gave him one last wave, his eyes stung with unshed tears. Still, he thought, deliberately distracting himself from his depression, Elrohir was here! Elrohir had chosen him, had remained with him while his brother departed. Pure joy filled him at the thought of that and as he felt Elrohir's hand gently rest on his arm, supporting him, he turned and gazed upon the beautiful face before him. At the sight of him his happiness overflowed and and he beamed with delight.

"I did not expect you to be smiling!" Elrohir grinned back at him.

"I am happy!" He exclaimed, and he was, so happy he struggled to find the words to express it. 

A brief cloud crossed Elrohir's face,   
"There was a time I thought never to see you happy again." He said to him gently.

"There was a time I thought I never would be." He replied.  
"But now you are here!" He reached out to touch his cheek, gently, softly and with love.  
"You have saved me. I could not see my way out and you found me." He was filled with an intense need to ensure Elrohir understood. He must know how precious he was, how perfect.

"You shine for me Elrohir, I can not survive without you. How lucky I am to have someone as you,"

Elrohir ducked his head,  
"I am uncomfortable with this Legolas...."

He placed his hand under his chin and raised it so he could look into his eyes.   
"I know you are. I know you do not see your worth, to me, to Elladan, to us all. There are none braver, none more honorable, no better brother, friend or lover than you Elrohir. If I do nothing else in the time you are here I will make sure you understand that!"

He had spent too long hiding the truth of his feelings to himself and to others and the end result had been that Elrohir could not see how valued he was. He would stay quiet no longer. He would shout it to the tree tops if need be to ensure Elrohir heard it.

"When I was there...." He continued uneasily for he had not spoken of his capture at all, to anyone.  
"When they had me. After Erynion, I thought they would kill me also. I prepared for my death. I thought of Gimli and Aragorn, I would be separated from them forever.....I would never see them...." He stopped for a breath, the emotions were too overwhelming but he forced himself to continue.   
"And I thought of you. Of being apart, in the halls....I didn't know how long that would be and I would not be able to feel you....you would be gone from me utterly, what if without me here you decided to stay, to not come to Valinor? What if I could never find you there?"

And for a moment he was transported back, it was as if he was still there, the sneering men surrounding him. The crumpled body of his friend on the ground. The pain, the incredible pain of his injuries and no Elrohir, not where he was headed and the sadness overwhelmed him, he felt himself sinking down into the depths of despair. Never had he felt so alone and so utterly destroyed.

Then he heard a voice calling him,

"Legolas! Legolas, listen to me!" 

He blinked and as if by magic the men disappeared. Elrohir was in front of him, clasping his face in his hands wiping the tears away that cascaded down his cheeks. 

"Legolas," Elrohir's voice was gentler now he had his attention,  
" It is a memory only, I am here. Gimli is here and Aragorn but a stones throw away. We will not be parted, let it go, these memories do not control you. You must know this, I will never let you go. I would have survived here without you, and it would only be surviving, until my sister was gone and then I would come to find you, I would search Valinor from one end to the other for you and I would never cease. There is nothing could keep me from you."

And as fast as it had appeared the memory faded from his mind, as if it had never been, running from the force of Elrohir's love. Suddenly he realised Elrohir was right. 

He would always be with him, he was safe, life was good.

They had no power over him any longer.

 

The End


End file.
